The Rules of the Road, Based on My Experience as a Pedestrian
“Under no circumstances, should a pedestrian cross a crosswalk.”
Right of Way
Pedestrians have the right of way AS LONG AS the driver of any given vehicle truly believes they do.
Pedestrians must give up their right of way to avoid a collision OR to prevent the driver of a vehicle from being inconvenienced for seven seconds.
If a pedestrian does not relinquish their right of way, the driver of a vehicle may honk loudly AND yell obscenities at the pedestrian. The driver may also roll down their window to throw a beer can at the pedestrian BUT ONLY if the beer can is at least half full.
Sidewalks
Sidewalks must always be available to pedestrians UNLESS there is a construction project that needs to remain partially completed for three years.
Pedestrians may use any sidewalk that is not already in use by an overgrown fountain grass OR illegally dumped couch.
Sidewalks may have curb cuts BUT ONLY if they occur with reliable consistency and then not at all.
Pedestrians with strollers should purchase a large piece of plywood they can use to create a makeshift ramp whenever curb cuts are not present.
Pedestrians with wheelchairs should purchase multiple pieces of plywood they can use to board up their doors and prevent themselves from ever trying to leave their house.
Pedestrians must yield sidewalks to bicyclists who are too afraid of dying to use the bike lane.
Bicyclists using the sidewalk are not required to slow down for pedestrians AS LONG AS they are using an annoying little bell.
Pedestrians must also yield sidewalks to drivers who unable to make a right on red because a bicyclist was brave enough to use the bike lane.
Drivers using the sidewalk are not required to do anything because they are inside of big metal boxes and nothing can stop them.
Crossings
Pedestrians may encounter a variety of crossings, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO unsignalized, signalized, deathtrap, and roundabout.
Regardless of the type of crossing a pedestrian is using, drivers may aggressively floor it behind OR in front of the pedestrian to express their general displeasure.
To cross at an unsignalized crossing, pedestrians should make prior arrangements with the city AND secure all necessary permits.
To cross at a signalized crossing, pedestrians should wait for the WALK sign to come on, make eye contact with the driver nearest them, AND thank the driver for not plowing them over just because they could.
To cross at a deathtrap, pedestrians should push the button to turn on the flashing yellow lights. This will create a fun light show for drivers to enjoy as they blast through the crosswalk at full speed.
To cross a roundabout, pedestrians should be willing to commit to the game, fully enter the circle, and see what happens.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should a pedestrian cross a crosswalk when a STOP hand is flashing, even if they entered when the WALK sign was on. This is because a flashing STOP hand actually signals that pedestrians should STOP existing.
If a pedestrian is caught in the middle of a crosswalk when the STOP hand starts flashing, they should confess their sins and quickly disappear into a cloud of smoke.
