The Time Has Come to Tell My Son He’s Adopted and Also a Grizzly Bear
“I know this may come as a surprise, but it’s true.”
Son, I have something important to tell you and there’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just get right to the point: you are not a human boy, you’re a grizzly bear.
Now I know this may come as a surprise and you’ve probably got all kinds of questions like, has my whole life been a lie? And the answer is yes. Your life has been one long series of lies told to make you believe you’re a human boy, not a 360-pound grizzly bear with 4-inch claws and the bite force to crush a bowling ball. But please know this: no matter how many lies we told, your mother and I always loved you like the human child we wished you were.
I can’t begin to imagine what kind of a letdown it is learning you’re a bear, not a human boy. I hope that one day you’ll understand we were just trying to give you the life we always wanted for the human child we couldn’t have. In hindsight, we probably should have adopted a dog or any other animal below us on the food chain. But when you walked out of the cave after I accidentally shot your mother who I now realize was only being aggressive to protect you because your bear dad chose nature over nurture, all I could think was I need to step up and be the father this bear never had.
