The Times-Examiner Comments on a Masterful, But Ever-So-Slightly Problematic, Article in Sunday’s Paper
Setting the record straight!
To Our Valued Readers:
In last Sunday’s Times-Examiner, journalist Jennifer Walters dug deep into the history of Miserabilia, PA for her emotional story, “Why Everyone in the Village of Miserabilia Is Dying of a Rare Disease Caused by Toxic Emissions from the Miserabilia Power Plant.” Since its publication, we have been overwhelmed with responses from you, including “absolutely unbelievable,” “totally incredible,” and various other kudos. We concur.
Nonetheless, we are compelled to point out a couple of very minor factual errors, which we hasten to correct here.
Miserabilia is an incorporated town, not a village, as reported.
Everyone is NOT dying of a rare disease. In fact, only one demise is featured in the piece. The main subject of the article, Bill Jones, passed away in early 2010 at the age of 92. His wife Earlene swears that Bill’s untimely death was directly related to the nearby power plant. Earlene maintains that corrupt doctors were in cahoots with the Miserabilia town council to keep a lid on this explosive news.
However, medical records examined this week reveal that Bill died of complications from an untreated paper cut.
Additionally, the power plant closed in 1960, having been vacant for 20 years prior. The plant in current operation is located in Miserabilia, Mississippi (not Pennsylvania, as stated in the article.)
The primary cause of death in Miserabilia, PA is officially listed as “boredom.”
There were a few other slight inaccuracies, and we want to set the record perfectly straight.
There was no huge “Concert for Miserabilia” held in July, 2015 at a sold-out Madison Square Garden, headlined by Don McLean, Snoop Dogg and Shakira (there certainly would have been notice of such a special evening in the “Happenings Hither and Yon” section of the paper.)
Instead, the event referenced was presented by Bill and Earlene’s great-granddaughter Catherine “Zeta” Jones in her back yard, featuring members of the Miserabilia Middle School Band. The concert was a fundraiser for the band’s upcoming trip to Altoona, and the program celebrated the anniversary of Miserabilia’s incorporation as a town in 1927.
Also, while there was a hint of impropriety in the article concerning this newspaper, we can confirm that the Times-Examiner never buried secret reports of toxic waste emanating from the local power plant.
Indeed, we never found anything newsworthy about Miserabilia at all, and we’ve been publishing for over a century. A spin through the paper’s archives yields only one mention of that locale: the “Weekly Puzzler” for April 12, 1991 (“What PA town’s name is the opposite of ‘Happyville’?”)
In the spirit of full disclosure, Walters did not win a Pulitzer Prize for groundbreaking reporting on the radioactive cheesesteaks produced by Miserabilia Pizza. There was apparently no such report, and the “glow” experienced by the consumers of those tasty sandwiches seems to have been merely heartburn. We regret the inclusion of this slight exaggeration.
We stand by the absolute integrity of the work we publish; therefore, we felt it was necessary to correct these teeny tiny mis-statements. Other than the complete lack of toxic emissions, rampant deaths, star-studded concerts, and luminescent hoagies, we believe it to be at least remotely possible that the information in the article is (more or less) perfectly accurate.
COMING IN NEXT SUNDAY’S TIMES-EXAMINER…
“Offertory Shakedown”: Nobel Prize-winning journalist Jennifer Walters reports on racketeering in Saint Elmo’s Catholic Church, including a hard-hitting, exclusive interview with Saint Elmo himself.
As always, count on the Times-Examiner for news YOU can trust!
