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The World is on Fire and Also Your Dog Pooped on My Lawn

Nextdoor posts from the End Times.

Sarah Lofgren
Oct 22, 2020 · 4 min read

Beatrice Shmirken
Hi everyone!
I’m new to Gnawville (moved in on Wednesday!) and am excited to meet you all! I was told the recycling gets picked up on Thursdays, but no one has picked up my recycling. The environment is very important to me! Climate change affects everyone, but especially us, because it seems very hot in this neighborhood.
May 21st

Stan Filnish • May 28th
Welcome to the neighborhood, Bea
🙂 1 Thanks

Andy Grainersand
Is anyone else seeing this?
WTF, am I right, my friends?
June 2nd

Stan Filnish • June 2nd
Seeing What?
🙂 5 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 2nd
The big ass fire that’s coming down right now, dude! Look out your window! WTF!
🙂 10 Thanks

Dolly Sinclair • June 2nd
Remember that families use this board, Andy. I happen to know that WTF stands for What The F-Word and a clean heart can only follow clean language.
🙂 1 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 2nd
Fire is raining from the sky, bitch!
🙂 2 Thanks

Dolly Sinclair • June 3nd
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
🙂 1 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 3rd
I kiss your mother with this mouth.
🙂 1 Thanks

Dolly Sinclair • June 3nd
My mother was killed by giant locusts 2 months ago, God Bless Her Heart. RIP.
🙂 1 Thanks

Outdoor Chair for Sale
$50
📍 Gnawville
Betty Horseprittle
It’s a very good lawn chair, comfortable and with a nice butt groove. Bill has spent long hours sitting in it while I make dinner in the hot kitchen except now he won’t sit on the porch anymore, says its too smoky, but I think he’s just skittish bout The Creatures WHICH WE DON’T EVEN KNOW ARE REALL, BILL. Probably just the kids with their ticktock. Anyways, once Bill has his mind set to something there’s no changing it which means we’re selling this Outdoor Chair with only 26 years of use for $50 to the first real man who isn’t afraid to sit on his own porch.

Trisha Filmor
URGENT: Could someone call 911 for me?
There’s a horned creature running around in my garden and he just ate my dog.
June 4th

Beatrice Shmirken • June 4th
Is that the same dog that pooped on my recycling pile? Good riddance!
🙂 5 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 4th
Why don’t you call 911 yourself?
🙂 1 Thanks

Trisha Filmor • June 4th
My phone is out of batteries.
🙂 1 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 4th
Then how are you using the Nextdoor app?
🙂 2 Thanks

Trisha Filmor • June 4th
I’m on my husband’s phone.
🙂 1 Thanks

Stan Filnish • June 6th
Hey Trisha! I just called 911 for you. Hope all is well?
🙂 5 Thanks

Bert Hickey • June 11th
Hi there, trish! Did the police ever take care of that demon thing for you? Are you okay?
🙂 1 Thanks

Howie Herbert
Last minute hangout
Looted a six pack this afternoon if anyone would like to pop by and watch the smoke coming out of the sinkhole. (everyone invited, but esp the ladies.)
June 13th

Bert Harper
URGENT: Keep it down
Reminder that hamsters don’t like loud noises. My little buddy, Baritone, is still upset from all the screaming and yelling last night.
June 14th

Dolly Sinclair • June 14nd
Thank you, Bert. My cat was also upset.
🙂 1 Thanks

Andy Grainersand • June 15th
I will yell all I want when the PALE HORSE OF THE APOCOLYPSE IS RAVAGING THE DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD WITH ITS SHARPENED TEETH, DOUCHESWIZZLES.
🙂 2 Thanks

Dolly Sinclair • June 15th
Why the constant bad language, Andy? It make you seem unintelligent.
🙂 1 Thanks

Betty Horseprittle
Has anyone seen Bill?
He was on the porch and then he wasn’t.
June 21st

POLL: Should we leave Gnawville?
Beatrice Shmirken
I know I just got here, but I’m pretty sure snakes aren’t supposed to carry knives. Do you guys think we should evacuate? Yes or no?
⚪️ Option 1: This is a poll
⚪️ Option 2: What do I put here?

Betty Horseprittle
Bill?
July 1st

Howie Herbert
Weenie roast over the sinkhole?
Now that there’s fire coming out of that thing, wondered if anyone wanted to roast a few weenies? We can work around the faceless babies. (everyone invited, but esp the ladies.)
July 5th

Stan Filnish
URGENT: Anyone got water?
I seem to be out.
July 10th

Stan Filnish • July 11th
Guys?
🙂 0 Thanks

Stan Filnish• July 12th
Hello?
🙂 0 Thanks

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Sarah Lofgren

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Sarah Lofgren

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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