This Incredibly Refined eCard Reminds You to Celebrate the Season of Giving by Refraining from Going Off-List
With the assistance of my psychoanalyst, I have accepted that former gift gaffes were not performed with malintent in your hearts.
Season’s Greetings family,
Firstly, I know you would all prefer the simple salutation, “Merry Christmas.” And I am absolutely delighted to repeat, holiday customs are vast, and it is important to respect all belief systems…
Speaking of respect, I am about to broach a sensitive topic regarding what you all continue to refer to as “Christmas presents”. I am confident that sending my request via Wintery scene of Dicken’s lesser known 1844’s “The Chimes” eCard will result in more favorable responses compared to last holiday when I raised this exact topic in-person and was met with some rather amusing remarks.
With the assistance of my psychoanalyst, I have accepted that former gift gaffes were not performed with malintent in your hearts. Moving forward, please refer to the attached document titled “Holiday Wish List_revised”.
After several sessions of deep self-reflection, I came to realize my prior lists were perhaps not as descriptive, leading to miscalculations such as, “Yeah, you wanted that fancy pair of cat-smear socks, but Costco has perfectly good cotton socks, so I bought you thirty pairs for what one of those cat-smear doo-dahs cost”.
Believe me, this is not intended to shame you, Uncle Eddie, but it is pronounced “kash-meer” and though I have explained this countless times with Oxford English Dictionary in-hand, it is my greatest hope that noting correct pronunciation here will lead to improvement of mind. What fresh accuracies I imagine for our annual tête-à-têtes!
Ah, how quaint this little stroll down memory lane is. Honestly, there’s nothing I love more than gathering ‘round the hearth, discussing the finer details of gun control with our very own National Rifle Association member, Great Aunt Agnes!
Indeed, I am mindful that my liberal politics can lead to — and forgive me, for I cannot help myself from an infusion of humor — heated debates during the holidays.
And nothing quenches my recitation-of-peer-reviewed-gun-violence-statistics dry mouth like a steaming cup of my preferred tea…
Which, naturally, brings me to the tea section of my revised Holiday Wish List. Cousin Judith, I most appreciate the discount guava mint and other inventive tea mixtures I have received over the years — what unexpected adventures of the mouth!
However, when I kindly remind you that I strictly imbibe the Queen’s Earl Grey Black Tea, I confess, I am quite hurt by your adoption of a somewhat Jamaican sounding “British” accent for the remainder of our interactions.
Before you hit “Reply All” Cousin Judith, the answer is no, I shan’t be having tea with the Queen any time soon. Though I would never wish to insult your emotional intelligence, Elizabeth II recently passed away, therefore that darling jibe of yours would be considered in poor taste…
While we are on the topic of emotional intelligence, allow me to set the record straight regarding the intriguing whispers my ears caught last holiday; just because I have attended graduate school (several times), I do not, in fact, believe I am superior to everyone.
If any blood relative included on this hauntingly beautiful Victorian era themed eCard attended my live-action Favorite Living PhD Fête, the theses discussion section of the weekend would have made it glaringly obvious that I consider Drs. Roxane Gay, Rachel Maddow, and Angela Davis above myself.
With that said, I think it is sufficient to say — I am not in need of another gold and diamond encrusted frame. The one I received anonymously during the last gift exchange was, how do I say? Faux. The gold plating was actually spray-painted, and the diamonds were nothing more than mere plastic, so I hope whoever purchased that frame did not waste more than a handful of thousands of dollars…
How odd that none of you seem to recall that I already invested $275,000 to display my manifold Doctorate degrees, yet I vividly remember sharing with you all the complexities of the authentication process before acquiring those emerald encrusted platinum frames.
Worry not! I shall bring along my framed triumphs to our next family gathering so that we may sip eggnog whilst admiring their bejeweled glimmers and discuss, perhaps, the literary legend that is Charles Dickens. For, this esthetically pleasing and niche eCard surely inspired you all to finally read his works.
