We Regret to Inform You That the English Department Has Run Out of Turtlenecks
We’re here to support you during this difficult time in any way we can, except by giving you our emergency turtlenecks
Hello,
Congratulations on your acceptance into the English program. We are thrilled to have you join us this year, and we’re sure you’re excited to start your college career. However, we regret to inform you that you will not be receiving your designated English Major Turtleneck this year.
Due to the rising cost of deliciously fashionable turtlenecks, as well as drastic university budget cuts, we were unable to send you all your own personal turtleneck. We know how hurt and disappointed you are to hear this, and we have been deeply troubled by this news as well.
Yes, we understand that a turtleneck is necessary for life as an English major. When our president proposed the turtleneck budget cut, please know that we made every attempt to fight for your turtleneck rights. We asked, “How will our students display their fierce academic prowess without the high collar of a turtleneck? How will these poor, lonely students feel supported as they should by family without the warm turtleneck to hug them tight? Most importantly, how will our students display their dominance over their STEM peers in the classroom without a high-class turtleneck?” Unfortunately, our pleas fell on deaf ears.
During this meeting, Dr. Fritz, a lifelong turtleneck wearer, felt quite distressed upon hearing that the university would be cutting funding to the arts once again. She fell to the ground, frothing wildly at the mouth, and was later spotted scrambling across the side of the chemistry building on all fours. Not to worry, she has been taken care of: while it may have taken thirteen men and a blowdart to take her down, Dr. Fritz is in safe hands.
As you know, all English majors gain their powers of invincibility, mindreading, and laser eyes from these cozy, cozy sweaters. These abilities are necessary for navigating your way through the liberal arts building alive. To accommodate for this shortcoming, we will be issuing all incoming freshmen a personal shank, which you may use to protect yourself from the theater students. Remember, always aim for the diaphragm. If they can’t project, they lose their will to fight.
Despite these unfortunate circumstances, have no fear: Your professors will be well protected. We will be keeping a stock of standard-issue black English professor turtlenecks in the storage closet for faculty use only. Any student who attempts to access our reserves will be banned from the local used bookstore indefinitely.
Thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
The English Department
