Member-only story
Welcome To The Ninth Ring of Hell: Our New-Hire Onboarding Process
And you thought getting a job in this market was the hard part
Congratulations on the offer for your new position with us, the world’s leading company in red tape and what those in-the-know call “the runaround.” Aren’t you excited?
Don’t get ahead of yourself though—although you received, signed, notarized, uploaded and mailed back your offer letter (following our oh-so-simple guidelines), your employment is far from guaranteed. It remains contingent on completing the following list of requirements.
Your first task is to create a password to log into our HR portal. You’ll receive three seperate emails from HR, and you must create a new password for each link received. No letter or number may be repeated on any of these, and you must have a minimum of 27 characters for each one.
Next, you’ll need to log out and log back into the portal, only this time, you’ll have to guess which of those three passwords is the correct one.
If you guess wrong, your employment is terminated.
Got the correct one on the first try? One of the lucky few.
Next, you’ll be asked to track down documentation of the following:
