Would You Date These Monsters?
Tinder profiles of classic monsters prove love is terrifying for all
I’m not gonna lie to you. I’ve spent most of my life alone. For years I lashed out at the world and the father who dropped me into it and then abandoned me. As you can imagine, I’m skeptical that true love exists. Only once was someone out there, just for me. Then she was ruthlessly destroyed by the same father I mentioned before. Anyway, wanna meet and exchange daddy issues?
You looking for a MILF? Well, I’m the monster for you. Those of you reading this profile who don’t mind a mature creature who comes with claws shouldn’t be afraid to take me out for a drink. I won’t strangle you. Unless that’s the kind of thing you’re into. Be warned, you’ll have to guess the safe word by solving a riddle.
Hi! I’m Jessie! And yes, those fins are REAL! Sorry, I can’t help but get excited. I always wanted to be a part of your dating pool. Usually, whenever I see a human I just want to eat them up. Ha! Mermaid joke, I’m actually pretty funny. OH! I should mention that you’ll have to deal with my busy schedule since I’m studying law at the local university. It’s a long story, but there are some clever witches in the ocean and I have to learn to negotiate better contracts for my kind.
Location: Your bedroom ;)
You know what doesn’t suck? A fling with a big, broad incubus like myself. I’ll drive you mad with my skills in the sack. Literally mad. And honestly, if you have to die, as all mortals do, isn’t that a pretty good way to go?
Have you ever felt lost? Trapped in an endless maze of phonies and people who don’t care about you? Unsure why you should even try to approach someone because of your looks? I have. So it’s a big step for me to even be on an app like this where pictures are such an important feature. I’m being brave, will you? Swipe right, and we’ll see where this thread leads.
Location: New York
Dream of lounging in the sun or walking through the park on a glorious autumn afternoon? I’m sorry, I don’t, so move along. I have a natural aversion to light and prefer to be out after the sun goes down. Which is perfect for romance, when you think about it. What do I do? I’m a stand-up comedian. Yet the laughter is hollow in comparison to the feel of a soft neck under my lips. I’m looking for a woman who will invite me into her heart and into her home. With words, not body language.
Location: Your memories
I’ll be frank. We will have a passionate, whirlwind affair and then, out of the blue, I might be gone. No text message, no long goodbyes, nothing. It’s not you, it’s me. I have unfinished business; finding the perfect partner. I know when I know. I simply have to move on when I know you are wrong for me.
Though I will take us to a great place where we can make pottery on our first date. So worth the risk to your heart, I’d say. At least you’ll have a mug to break.