Your Itinerary If You Were A Woman Anxiously Waiting For A Date To Text You Back
“Why did you mention apple picking!”
10:00 pm- You arrive home from a date and spin happily about the room. You’re so happy you swiped right! Smiling uncontrollably, you send your date a text, “I had a nice time. Let’s do it again soon!”
10:02- You enter your bathroom to begin your 12-step skincare routine; all the while you think of you amazing date. His charming midwestern manners, so different than the other guy’s you've met on Tinder, and his wide smile.
10:10- Face clean, you dive into bed — nearly on top of your phone — and check to see what he sent as a response. Nothing.
10:11- You realize there’s no text back and try turning your phone off and back on to see if it’s broken.
10:12- Upon discovering that your phone is fine, you look at your “Choose a Date Outfit” group chat. You scan through all 18 outfits until you find the one you chose. Analyzing it, you decide it was a perfect outfit. So that couldn’t be the reason.
10:18- You replay the conversation in your head. You remember only the Pinot you shared, great conversation, and delicious chicken Picante — a step up from your nightly frozen (organic!) Trader Joes pizza.
10:22- Realizing there’s a chance you missed something, you pull out the tape recorder you use to document all of your date conversations. It’s nothing nefarious! You just like to quote people correctly when you give a play-by-play to your girlfriends.
10:23- Damn! You mentioned apple picking. Why would you say that? Now he probably thinks you’re some sort of basic fall girl who expects him to come apple picking and then make a pie to bring when he meets your parents on date two.
10:40- Clearly had one glass too many of the Pinot since you just mentioned your love for Taylor Swift’s new album.
10:45- His comment about you ordering dessert; did he really think it was cool how quick you were to down some cheesecake or was he being sarcastic?
10:55- Wow, is that really what your voice sounds like? Is resting bitch voice a thing? If so, you for sure have it.
11:34- The recording is finished and you get yourself a drink.You might as well, since you’re quickly heading down the path to becoming the spinster woman with only cats and wine to keep you company in your old age.
11:35- You check your phone again. Still no messages. Just to be safe you send another text; this time a simple smile emoji.
11:37- You start listening to a podcast about self-confidence. Who needs a man? You’re an empowered woman.
11:38- You turn the podcast off and anxiously check your phone again. Nothing.
11:39- You pull up Netflix and begin to watch your favorite rom-com. You root on Meg Ryan. Usually seeing her quirky self get a man by the end gives you faith.
11:47- You turn off the movie and check your phone again to find no response.
11:48- You lie on your bed, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling. You contemplate why you’re such a horrible dater.
11:49- You remember that cats will always keep you company. Cats won’t ghost you. Except for the cat you rescued, Ghost, who left you after two days of unconditional love. Hmm…maybe you should have named him Faithful.
11:50- You delete Tinder. It’s the worst app ever created. It’s so much easier to meet men in real life! Like…at the…bus station?
11:52- You reinstall Tinder.
11:54- You swipe through the various men posing with tigers and women they claim are, “Just my sister.”
12:05- Matching only with a man who describes himself as a full-time artist trying to find himself, you succumb to the fact that you’re doomed for singledom.
12:06- You realize your date is probably sound asleep while you’re replaying the tape recorder one last time.
12:10- Self-doubt ensues. Why are you so uninteresting? When did you become so basic? Who could love an apple-picking T-Swift fan?
8:02 am- You jolt awake; finding yourself sprawled out on your couch, drool making its way down your chin.
8:05- The room is bright, it must be morning. You peel the tape recorder from your face — you must’ve fallen asleep on it.
8:06- You check your phone. He texted you back. “Sorry, I fell asleep. I had fun too! Tacos on Tuesday?”
8:07- Hah, you sheepishly mutter to yourself. To think you spent the night worrying about a guy. This is 2019, you’re better than that.
8:07- You notice the grey dots appear; he’s texting more!
8:08- “But just as friends.”
8:09- Reality splinters, and you fall into a black pit of despair. Your legs and arms flailing as you tumble into a dark existence of mortification.
8:09- You knew you shouldn’t have mentioned apple-picking.
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