#127 Last week

Perhaps because of the end of the old year, I have been thinking about that last week. After Janne got the news on Tuesday that she had only a few hours or days to live, the doctor asked if I was staying overnight. We both said yes. Janne feared being alone, as I did (and do) too.

She woke up on Wednesday at 7 a.m. with a small pain on her side due to a small procedure. This could usually be handled with Ibuprofen, but not anymore. By 9 a.m. they had to administer morphine. She fell into a deep sleep from there on. Janne was still responding if I told her something.

I tried the codes she had given me to access her accounts. One of them didn’t work, but I had only three chances. I had to ask her. She opened her eyes and punched the PIN on her mobile. She had given me the right numbers but two digits were misplaced.

I’d go to sleep around 10 p.m. At 2 a.m. she’d ask for water. I couldn’t fall asleep after. For a long time after, I’d wake up right at 2 a.m. I still do sometimes.

I started reading about funeral processes in Estonia. I asked her oncologist a question about paperwork. I needed to be ready.

There was just a small window for visitors. I managed that budget as Janne would have liked it. I contacted people who were by her side on her last weeks so they could say goodbye.

That Wednesday afternoon, Daniel told Janne that, if ghosts existed, she should be free to visit us after dying. On that evening, Trevor sent her a message saying “good night mom”. I read it for her.

By Thursday, Janne did not understand English anymore. She would still reply to my questions. She’d acknowledge when someone would talk to her.

Friday was the last day when she was conscious. I still talked to her about all the ongoings and what I’d hear from nurses. I read a few messages sent by friends from abroad.

On Saturday I realized that Janne was not really here anymore. I still picked up fresh nectarines to give her a little taste of her favorite fruit. I cut a tiny slice as she couldn’t swallow easily.

That week was sad, but it was also a gift. I was by her side. Nothing can take this away from me. I just wish that Janne wasn’t taken away at all.