#151 Fears

During all this time without Janne, I am starting to see life from her perspective. I tried to do that while she was still here, but she was an enigma.

For example, now I sit on Janne’s chair to watch movies. We both had our own seats, but I moved mine to my room. When I hear the audio for a movie, I can understand some of her complaints about it. It’s like I’m listening with her ears. This is beautiful.

I started working in the place where she did her job. I hadn’t used it much, but just by being there, I can see her struggle on trying to avoid too much food. She designed this beautiful ledge in our kitchen window which can be used as a standing desk or with a custom bar chair. It’s good to be there.

With that, I can also understand her fears. For example, some new behaviors I’m exhibiting since she left, I saw in her when she was afraid to be alone. It’s so clear to me now on why she’d behave like that. Somehow Janne is still helping me find a way out of that fear.

Or take her fear of a neighbor living across the street. She stopped going outside our fence unless she’d go with me. Every time Janne would go out alone, that neighbor would sprint out of her house to complain about something. Janne had even the habit to go around our block so she would park the car in such a way that she didn’t have to see that house. I preserved that habit and fear in me.

In the next complaint from that lady (an anonymous letter), I decided to write to her. It was a polite summary of everything Janne went through and many stories she told me about a history of complaints. I did it once and that’s enough. I don’t expect any change as this individual doesn’t know empathy. But this freed me. I park the car as I please and walk out when I want. That fear is gone.

There are many more fears Janne had. It was sad that she couldn’t be herself even with people close to her. I’m just glad that in the end she wasn’t afraid of being her own person with me. That’s something.

Janne made me face my worst fear in life which was to lose her. But I know now that if I’m surviving this, I can as well face any of my other fears. Thank you, Janne, for this last gift to me.