#157 Amor fati

Garden State is one of my favorite movies. We watched it first when we were still in Germany. I connected very much with the story of returning to a place left a long time ago having changed as a person. Everything revolves around the death of the mother of the main character. Janne did not like this movie so much. However, when the scene where a lady starts a bad, tacky interpretation of “Three Times a Lady” at the funeral made her chuckle all the time.

The theme of this movie is about discovery. The creator of this movie is Zach Braff, of Scrubs fame. Even the music picked by him has affected my life in such profound ways that I am an unapologetic fan of anything he does.

I ask the boys what they want to do often. If it’s something I can do, they will get it. For this weekend, Daniel wanted to visit his cousin. I made arrangements. It was a bit of a difficult logistical effort, but I drove him for two hours in the afternoon on Friday to stay with his grandmother. Trevor wanted to stay with me. This is the first time that they sleep apart at their own will.

I didn’t stay long as the weather made the drive uncomfortable, dangerous even. It’s raining, and that just means slippery roads. I started driving back immediately. About thirty minutes later, traffic came to a standstill. I waited for ten minutes, got out of the car and saw police and ambulance lights not so far from me, perhaps just 500 meters away (less than a third of a mile). Whatever happened was recent. I read next day that two cars had a head-collision. One of the drivers died right there.

I’m know how to deal with crises as I have a sense of urgency. In Guatemala, this type of standstill happens often. I knew what to do. I turned around and looked for a side road. I followed another car doing the same. It wasn’t easy as side roads are not as well maintained and, with the current weather conditions, were pretty slippery. I saw a car that had gotten stuck and saw another driving in the opposite direction slipping off the road not so far from me. I am lucky that we bought the car Janne wanted, an all-wheel drive, and not the small one I had thought about. The main road was blocked for more than three hours so I made the right call. I managed to get out of the traffic jam and all those icy roads. Weather made my drive home a bit tense.

When I’m driving for a long time, I plan on what I want to listen to. I picked a historical podcast episode that was enough to last me for my original drive. Knowing that I will be delayed, I pick one of the good podcast episodes I’ve saved from the past. I need to listen to something so I don’t feel so lonely. Since I had little time to choose, I went for Conan’s podcast episode with Zach Braff.

I started listening and remembered how much I liked that episode. It was released at the beginning of April 2023, just around the time Janne was travelling to London with friends. I listened to this episode on May 16th, when she was already dealing with multiple thromboses and when I knew that we had crossed the point of no return.

They start talking about Braff’s new movie, A Good Person. I made immediate connections with actors in that movie. Florence Pugh was also in Oppenheimer, the last movie Trevor and I watched the day when Janne was given tough news. Molly Shannon has a personal story of grief that I listened in Anderson Cooper’s podcast. Morgan Freeman, well, he is the voice of God everywhere, but also has done a few movies that touch on end-of-life topics.

Zach makes a subtle comment in the podcast that most people probably wouldn’t notice. He says that he had gone through grief, but maybe this wasn’t the moment to talk about. I noticed and needed to know more. I went on to read interviews that mention that he had lost his sister, his father and his best friend in recent years before making this movie. His best friend died at the guest house in his own property while his friend’s wife and child were there.

This movie was filmed after all of this. It is not an autobiographical movie unlike some parts of Garden State. However, when he shared it with his therapist, he got a different answer. The therapist said that this was all about him, about battles, questions and fears he had.

While I was listening to this, I made a stop to get some food at Trevor’s favorite restaurant for him and my sister. I had forgotten my headphones at home so had to wait without listening. While waiting, I got a call from a friend who I have been lucky to have since 1996. She has been one of the key people checking on me often. I was happy to get her call as I was starting to get a bit sad. During our conversation, I recall telling her that I was feeling that among my next steps was to try to pick up my hobbies again, music and photography. I haven’t been able to do much there as it’s hard.

I couldn’t finish the podcast episode that night as I was exhausted when I arrived home. However, I woke up early as usual and continued listening. The next bit that Zach and Conan were talking about was about the hobby the character played by Morgan Freeman had: model trains. It was Zach Braff’s own hobby too and something that helped him focus and even meditate. It was like a message for me.

When I heard this episode the first time, I started looking for this movie. I wasn’t sure Janne would like it, but I knew I would. I searched in all streaming services and it wasn’t available. This is something that drives me crazy as not everything is released in Estonia even if I pay too much for all streaming services. I heard that it was on Amazon Prime Video and then I gave up. This is the worst service in this country, but I still keep paying for it as Janne and I liked watching John Krasinski in Jack Ryan.

I follow Zach Braff in Twitter (when I was using it). He posted an announcement that the movie was available to everyone. I replied with a hopeful question asking when it was going to be available outside the US. It was a long shot. I didn’t get a reply. I finished the podcast episode and had a need for this movie. It was time. I started looking in all streaming services. My surprise is that Amazon Prime did have it.

There won’t be spoilers here, but let me tell you a few connections that happened.

The first scene is the character played by Florence Pugh playing the piano and singing. I immediately imagined Janne saying, “she is not playing! Is she?” Any scene in any movie that would involve someone singing or playing deserved a comment from her, even if it was as funny as “Three Times a Lady”. She would expect me to go research. It turns out that yes, she is singing and even plays the piano in one song in the movie. I was able to continue the movie.

It’s an engagement party. She calls her fiancé in front of everyone. He didn’t want to as he is extremely shy, but he finally walks in front of all friends and makes a joke. He tells her, “every memory I cherish has you in it”. I break. I certainly know now that it will be a hard movie to watch.

For the next two hours, every scene and every piece of dialogue touched me deeply. This is definitely not our story, but in many cases, there are similarities. In others, I can contrast with our own life and I feel lucky. In several moments, a lot of Janne’s and my fears and tendencies show up just there on my TV.

There is the scene where the character played by Morgan Freeman talks about “amor fati”, a latin phrase that means to love one’s fate. He adds, “neither of us chose this fate, but perhaps we can find a way to love it”.

Thanks, Zach Braff.