#158 Lazy Saturday

Eston needs a haircut. I made an appointment late in the day. The place is far from home. When I bring him in, they tell me it’s going to be at least two hours. I take a work meeting in the car and then decide ond what to do. It’s too far to go back home to wait so I go to a nearby mall.

When I park the car I realize that I haven’t been here by myself since Janne died. It’s far from where we lived, but we would come here often. I think twice before entering.

As soon as I take the ramp into the shopping center, I start remembering, more than usual. Even when Janne was here, I used to share my memories already then.

There is this section of the mall where we bought clothes for our little babies. Looking at the restaurant section, I can tell at which table Janne and I sat in every single one of them. There is an indoor playground, the first one the boys tried (it was a revelation for me). Toy, sports and electronic shops, we knew them all.

There is one particular day that is stronger in my memories at this place. When Trevor was little, we came here to have a coffee. That place has changed, but I know the exact location. We came in for a couple of hours and during that time our car was covered in snow. I remember well the little dinosaur sweater Trevor was wearing and how we played with him at those red seats.

When looking for photos to confirm that I’m not dreaming, I also found others from the rest of that day. It was a lazy Saturday. In the morning, we had walked near home to have breakfast. This is a habit we kept until the end: breakfasts together made our days perfect.

I didn’t expect this rush of memories for just a regular Saturday, but I feel now that there were no routine days for us. I remember thinking on that day on how much I loved Janne and how beautiful she was. She was rocking a new haircut. We were happy.

Moments like this are not easy. I see this incoming wall of mixed emotions and I cannot do anything but let it run me over. I feel defeated, but on the other hand, what an amazing life we had together.

And I still have that little dinosaur and his brother to remind me that Janne was really here.