#167 Learnings
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult — once we truly understand and accept it — then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
— M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
The quotation above is the starting paragraph of one of the most influential books in my life. A close friend of mine lent it to me in 1996 right at the moment I needed to read it. This is the first book I read about psychology and made an imprint in many areas of my life. However, the most impactful was the realization that life is not easy. This helped change my expectations. This also started a habit in me to seek books or resources that would help me get through anything, from moving to another country to dealing with Janne’s illness.
Death is a topic that is commonly avoided or not talked about. Grief is a universal experience: everyone will go through it at one or another moment. We can’t avoid it. My way of dealing with this is to look for resources. So far, I have a few of them that I’m sharing in case you are looking for help. I’m only sharing the ones that truly helped me. All of these materials are in English only, the language that I made my primary way of communication for more than half my life.
“The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss” by Mary-Frances O’Connor was the first book I read in full after Janne’s death. It is written by a neuroscientist who used modern techniques to try to answer what happens in our brain following the loss of someone we love.
“Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief” by Joanne Cacciatore. A close friend of mine found it for me and ordered the paper version. It has truly helped go through grief and realize that it’s Ok to acknowledge it. This book is organized in very short chapters with examples of how other people are coping with grief. Joanne Cacciatore also published a companion book called “Grieving is Loving” with short quotes for moments of need.
A few months after Janne was diagnosed, I ran into the podcast “All There Is” by Anderson Cooper. He is and was one of Janne’s favorite people at CNN. He has gone through a series of losses starting with his father at the age of 10, his brother when he was in his 20s and his mother more recently. He records himself going over keepsakes from his family, but also interviews people who have suffered a loss.
A friend of mine recommended that I listened to an interview that Chris Anderson did to Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. The title of the podcast episode is “Elizabeth Gilbert shows up for … everything | The TED Interview”. She speaks about creativity and what she did after that book. However, the second half of the interview focused on her loss of the person she loved to cancer.
“Griefcast” is podcast created by the British comedian Cariad Lloyd after she suffered family loss. She interviews other comedians who have gone through this themselves. The outcome is a balanced series of conversations where you might laugh and cry at the same time. My favorite episodes so far are the Irish comedian Aisling Bea and the British comedian Jimmy Carr (mainly because I like them as comedians). Their stories are raw and real.
Before Janne’s year of suffering and loss, I had read a couple of articles which addressed the topic of death of loved ones. In 2017, I read the article entitled “My father’s death has given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness” by Aisling Bea who writes about how the death of her father who killed himself affected her.
In 2018, I ran into the article “Crying in H Mart” by Michelle Zauner a musician and writer. She uses a familiar place to talk about her mother and aunt. They died because of cancer. She published a book about this experience although I haven’t had a chance to read it yet.
These resources won’t bring Janne back, but they will help me move forward by living my life, setting the way for Trevor and Daniel and feeling proud to have known a love like Janne who will be forever in my life.
