#194 Versions
I am not deterministic. It doesn’t matter if I am bleeding constantly out of the abyss in my heart, I can still influence what happens next with my decisions. I don’t believe that, in life, I’ll get everything I want (I would have saved Janne in this case). It’s just that there are many paths ahead of me and it’s up to me to take intentional choices.
Wire is one of my favorite bands. They are unique. They have been playing for nearly fifty years, but are relatively unknown even if they are very influential. Their music is different, even weird for many. They have even in some instances sabotaged their own success by doing the opposite of what could have brought them fame. I love their attitude.
I played a video of “Two People in a Room” for Janne once. At first, she told me that she didn’t like them. I described a bit more about their attitude. She said then, “so this is more like a rock art band and it makes sense…. yes, they are good”. While Trevor and I are in the car, I play 154, my very favorite album by them. The last song, “40 Versions”, starts and brings me back to this.
Meeting Janne was the result of a long list of intentional choices I had taken until then. When I met her, I did not hesitate to take immediately the next step even if it wasn’t easy. Trevor and Daniel were the result of a sequence of conscious decisions we both took for several years.
“40 Versions” talks about how there are many competing outcomes just waiting until a choice is made. I won’t sit idle, but will decide intentionally. Not deciding and not doing anything is a choice in itself. I wish I had known this my whole life, but at least I eventually realized that I always have a choice. And I am very decisive. Janne knew that.
I don’t know when Trevor and Daniel will be old enough to understand this. But I hope that, whenever they do, they know that they will always have the power to decide on the next step. Life decided to take their mom away too early. Despite that, they will have a choice on how to live their lives. Boys, be decisive.
I’ve got forty versions
all dying to get the part
And so with a change of mind
comes a change of heart
(“40 Versions” by Wire)
