#219 Echoes in Blue

It turned to shit
On April 18th
You were home on the stairs
With an old cup of tea
And your head
Weighed heavy in your hands
All the trouble
With your sleeping
From the hall
I could hear you breathing
Restless
Under the blinding light

This is the start of the album “Echoes in Blue” by the Australian band City Calm Down. The song is called “Joan, I’m Disappearing” where the singer regrets, years later, that she should have begged her to stay. These starting verses, save with another date, could have been written about how I felt after that day in July.

When I discover a new album I like, I listen to it relentlessly. This one came into my life right when Janne was having a very hard time in her life. She was usually very chilled, happy, without letting troubles get to her. However, for about three or four months, I saw her losing sleep, becoming stressed, losing appetite. And I couldn’t do anything.

The album is about a breakup, but I have found so many lyrics that also apply to us. Some of the songs remind me of what we went through. “Distraction/Losing Sleep” has some verses that say “With tightened chest I’m in a sea / drowning in these attitudes / with anxious curiosity / I’m losing sleep / I’m losing you”. “Blame” tells the story of the death of the cycling partner of the singer who wonders if he couldn’t have done something to avoid it. “Blood”, well, I don’t need to have a big imagination to find a connection for this one.

After Janne got out of those difficult months, I didn’t listen to the album that often anymore. When she was diagnosed, I became superstitious and didn’t even want to play it. But then, I knew one day that there was no return to our normal life and started listening to it again.

“Decision Fatigue” describes how I feel a lot of the time nowadays. I spend a lot of energy on moving forward for me and the boys, but what people see outside it’s not how I feel. This is more like it:

And still I’m sitting here my love
Prepared enough to see this whole thing through
But I’ve lost my energy to fight
I stay here only for the view

This album has always been a private experience for me. Janne sometimes would listen to one of the songs while we were in the car, but I never said much to her about it, not even during her final months. I still have a strong need to listen to it from time to time. It makes me feel Janne is still here.

With all of this and with all the lyrics and music, there is one song that became my favorite and that I did play for Janne a few hours before she died. It has an optimistic tone. There is a message that I always thought about every time Janne had a challenge, even that final one:

You’ve got your race to run
You’ve got your race to run
So follow on

(“Pride” by City Calm Down)