#238 Myself

Twenty one years certainly gives you perspective. This whole year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and complicated stuff to solve (and I don’t even like roller coasters). There is one good thing out of this time though: I got to see how much I grew next and thanks to Janne.

When Janne and I met, I was a shadow of the person I am now. Even in the meteoric final year with her, I felt I grew by the minute. Partly it was her doing, and partly I wanted to be better for her. And I managed as she told me a few times.a.

Take for example about the feeling of belonging. My whole life I have felt out of place and then I run into this human being I fall in love with. And she accepted me as I was. Not only that, but during her last year in this world, I even understood why I lacked the sense of belonging my whole life.

Or look at my loneliness. When I ran into Janne, I was always doing everything to avoid being alone. Janne suffered of the same and somehow we complemented each other then. However, now that I’m truly alone, I don’t feel lonely. There is some of Janne’s magic in there.

I’m even secure in myself, a feeling I found just a few months before Janne left. I recall telling her one day that I had realized that my impostor syndrome had just vanished. She was happy for me.

Janne believed in me. So I learned to believe in myself through her. I made the biggest leap just a few months before she left so she could still see the fruits of her labor. I was the best version of myself for her.

And here I am just being finally myself.