#56 Waves

The best metaphor I can think of for my grief is waves. Wind continuously rubs the surface of the sea producing them. However, what we usually identify as waves is just the break that happens near land. Waves tend to break where the sea is shallow or there is a hard surface to break against. It shouldn’t be the same in the middle of the ocean where water is free to flow with nothing to fight against.

The Pacific Ocean has an ironic name as this ocean is anything but pacific. That sea is nothing like the Baltic Sea. The worst stormy day in Tallinn is more peaceful than a regular wavy day in those beaches. What they teach you in Guatemala is that you shouldn’t fight the sea as it might drown you. You have to swim with the flow.

I will likely have rough waters for about a year. Within the depth of my despair, I still keep collecting data and reading and that’s what I understand. My plan is to take grief as waves that should push me further. I won’t fight them back. It is one year, because I need to hit every single day of the year once. I have no idea what type of wave it will bring.

Today is October 13th, two months since Janne died. Time moves fast even though for me, it barely feels just like a couple of days. Time is relative for widowers.

What hits me more than these two months is what we did in the previous twenty instances of this date. For example, in 2003, Janne and I decided to go up to the Bremen Cathedral and have a look around the market square. On our way back, I made a lot of photos of Janne in the tram while she was doing funny faces for me.

I remember 2015 when, on this day, we were happily doing our cider experiments. Janne had gotten new equipment that we wanted to try. That worked wonders for us.

Those waves are welcome here. They can painful, but at the same time they move me a bit further. They help me realize that Janne is not here, but that I have to continue living and making new memories, new experiences.

A wise friend told me this week that he knows that I’m not the same as before Janne left. He also told me that I will probably never be the same ever again. I’m curious who I’ll be after a year.

I got a good feeling about it.