#72 Photos, music and words

I grew up as an insecure person. I have just hidden it very well.

I used to feel as a shy person. People laugh about it thinking it’s a joke, but this is the unvarnished truth. As a rational individual, a few years ago, I thought about all the people who agreed that I was shy: no one. I told Janne that I was going to do the hard work and trust what others saw. Today I know I’m not shy. I found the truth about myself with Janne as my mirror, as a film negative to my own view of the world.

My obsession with photography started around the time I met Janne. She was always there supporting me. How did I take more than eighty thousand photos during our life together? Every technique I wanted to try, I tried it on or with her. Of course, I caught photos where she was telling me, “stop already”. I find them endearing now.

Last December I decided to buy equipment for portraits. I had a few ideas and was even going to ask for volunteers among friends. My plan stopped, but not before I tried some self-portraits while she was sitting with me and some of her. She was always cheering for me.

When I decided to learn to play the guitar, she was excited for me. She had a unique musical ear. If you listen to the guitar arpeggio at the beginning “La Ribera” by León Benavente, she figured it out and then I was proud to play it slowly for her on the guitar. That arpeggio is her now.

Then, there is writing. I always knew I can write. I recall the day in seventh grade when my Spanish Language teacher asked us to write a story. At first, he thought I had copied it, but when he realized it was mine, he made me read it in front of the class. He told me that I had a gift. I kept that gift hidden because I have been embarrassed about it.

Janne told me that the doctor asked her if she wanted to write a letter to leave me. She said no, because she would never be able to write as beautiful as I had written to her, but that I knew how she felt about me. This made me start writing the announcement of her passing and eulogy while she was still barely here. This is when I discovered that I’m not embarrassed about my writing anymore.

Thank you, Janne.