#83 Ambivalence

Janne said several months before passing, “if I die, you should move out of Estonia”. I replied that I couldn’t as the boys had stability in this place. It was surprising as Janne was ambivalent about moving.

When I got a job in Ireland, I was looking forward to move. I loved my experience in Germany as a student, but I was ready to have a stable life. I wanted Janne to come with me but left the door open in case she didn’t. It wasn’t an easy decision for her.

In May 2009, Janne called me at work. She had been laid off. The greed of the financial system doesn’t care about individuals. The logical step was to search for a job, but it would be difficult. It took her seven months to find her first job in Ireland. And now, there were many more people looking for that same job.

The logical step was that she’d propose a move to Estonia, but she never mentioned it. I was the one taking that step. I did not tell her, but I applied to a few jobs in Estonia. It was not easy for me, because I had a job I loved. I was also living the dream of being in a place where people would just get me. This hadn’t happened before, and hasn’t happened since.

Janne was surprised. After a few days, she was even happy. She had an idealized view of Estonia. She found a good job. We made a good life for us and our kids. However, she realized later that her romanticized idea wasn’t there.

In October 2021, I got the itch to move. I wanted the boys to live outside the Estonian bubble. There were two options: Norway and Ireland. Janne wanted to try Ireland again. The previous ambivalence became a strong love for that country. However, I got an offer from Norway first.

Janne was ambivalent about the move. She eventually came to terms with it and even was excited. We started learning the language, found a house, made plans. Everything was sailing until they found that “something” just five days before moving.

I am not ambivalent. I know what I want. I’m staying as my kids have a life. Estonia is the most efficient place where I’ve lived. Having no bureaucracy is a perk when I have my grief to deal with.

I hope one day to be in a place where people just get me. Janne knew of my wish.