Hopeful. And Afraid to Admit It.
So I guess you could say we have had an exciting and emotional week. On top of having Quinlan’s grave marker installed, the same day we decided to proceed with scheduling an inducement for the end of the month. Leaving the doctor’s office left us both a little bit giddy. The thought of ACTUALLY holding our son. And only a few weeks away. I feel myself wanting to be excited and desperately wanting to clean, organize and prepare for our little boy to come home. But it is hard, the moment I start to feel excited I feel myself pull back, still afraid to commit, still afraid it is too good to be true, still afraid something horrific could happen. But my sweet husband keeps reminding me that we have to keep living. We have to plan for this baby like he is coming home. Right now, he is alive, and we have to treat him that way. My reminder to myself today comes from Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Here is where I still struggle. Trusting in the Lord does not mean that nothing bad will ever happen. Trusting in the Lord does not mean that our son will be born alive, healthy and without defects or down syndrome. It simply means that I have to trust that God knows what He is doing. To be totally honest I am tired of people saying, “I know the baby is going to be fine.” Because honestly, no they don’t. I am tired of people saying “trust the Lord.” Even though I know that it is true it doesn’t mean everything is going to be okay. Because sometimes it isn’t okay. Losing Quinlan wasn’t okay. God does know what He is doing, and it will be okay someday, but it wasn’t okay when it happened and it is not okay right now. For me, trusting the Lord looks like this: “God, you are in control. And for better or worse, I am giving you my life. I trust you to do what is best not only for me, but for your glory. What happened last year hurt, and it still hurts, and to be honest, I am still mad about it. I am mad that it hurt me, I am mad that it hurt my husband and I am mad that it hurt my kids. But I have to believe that you know what you are doing. And Lord I have to trust that whatever happens from here on out you will carry us through, no matter how much it sucks.”
So there you have it. Starting to feel hope and then afraid of it at the same time. Here we go. Please carry me Jesus. 17 days. January 25, 2016.