January Snow! .. and icy heart

I am not particularly sure what to write about today. Last night we got back into town from visiting my in-laws. It was a fun trip and so good to spend time with them, but it is always nice to be home. We came home to find snow! Although it was quickly turning into slush and ice we ran inside threw on our gloves and jackets and enjoyed what was left of the wonderful white surprise. There is truly nothing like laying in 1/2 inch of slush as it soaks through your jacket making a snow angel while ice pellets hit you in the face and 10 pounds of extra weight crush your diaphragm (my very large belly). It really was a blast. We even built a tiny snow man. It really didn’t matter what it looked like, the kids loved it. So we loved it.

Today hasn’t even been that bad. Especially for a Monday. I have had a lot to do unpacking from our trip and desperately trying to put Christmas away while I battle my anxieties of led and germs in everything that I touch (don’t ask). But the kids have been great. Jonathan has been really supportive, even in spite of his total energy drain and tinge of depression last night.

But, it is like the second I put the kids down for a nap I turn into the “frozen monster.” They won’t be quiet, I am uncomfortable, everything annoys me, I can’t figure out what to write and I can’t spend time with God. Clearly this is someone else’s fault. Sometimes I feel like when I sit down to do the “right thing” I become the “wrong person.”

“For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” — 1 Samuel 16:7

That is a pretty gnarly frozen monster I have on the inside. I want my heart to be different. I don’t want to HAVE to spend time with God and then trample everyone because I have a hard time doing it. “Lord, forgive me for my ugly heart. Help my heart to desire you more and find excitement in your word. Help me to treat my loved ones with the love, as I love them so dearly. Ignite fire for you in this home, in each of our hearts. May we find peace in your presence and give us new hearts each day. In Jesus beautiful Name I pray, Amen.”