Let it go?

I’m having one of those days where I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like I am ruining my children with my short temper and my need to excessively wash their hands. I am frustrating my husband with my anxieties that drive him crazy. I’m too tired to be social and come across as sour. I feel beaten down and defeated. In a late night conversation I found myself hurt and can’t seem to pick myself up again. I just want to be angry but then I think I just feel too sad inside to be angry. Too little sleep? Likely. Hormonal? Yes. Excuses? Definitely.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:31–32

I think that I have always struggled with forgiveness. It is hard for me to not hold on to hurt. It is hard for me to not take things personally and then hold on to them for fear of being hurt again (wow, seems to be a theme for me… afraid of being hurt). It is somehow feels like if I don’t let things go, then I can defend myself in preparation for the next time. The reality is, when I hold on to them it hurts worse next time because I still have the pain of the first time.

I have really been trying to work on forgiveness. When Jonathan and I first got married it was REALLY hard for me to say the words “I forgive you.” I didn’t like him to ask me to forgive him. It somehow made me feel like I lost the right to feel sad. I realized a few years ago that it also allowed me to never truly forgive. I have purposed to change that, and Jonathan actually started teaching our kids to do the same. When someone says that they are sorry, it is never okay for our kids to say “its okay.” We encourage them to say “I forgive you.” Saying “its okay” dismisses the offense. Saying I forgive you does a few things… it acknowledges that they were wrong, that you were hurt, and it also says that you will do something… forgive.

Last night I was really hurt. I really didn’t want to forgive. Today I am still feeling hurt and don’t really want to forgive. I am tired of being hurt. But on top of that I hate the way I have treated the people around me. I hate being irritable. I hate being short tempered, especially with my kids. God has given me these little lives to mold and shape each day. How can I so easily be wearied by their need for me to play with them and wipe their sweet faces. What am I teaching them?!?! Gosh I feel like I suck.

Jesus came to die for us and forgive our sins while were yet sinners (Romans 5:8)

So which is harder? To forgive others? Or to forgive yourself? Today I am working on both. Its not just letting something go, but facing it and forgiving it.