Looking for Love In Japan? Here’s How I Met My Marriage Partner
Use matching apps wisely before splurging on Omiai service
These days, dating is not easy no matter where you live, but it’s much especially hard in Japan.
When I first came to Japan, I was already looking to settle down, so after getting settled here I began my quest to find a marriage partner.
For one, it’s not easy to date when most of us typically work 12-hour days and don’t finish work until 9 or 10 at night. I was in this latter category as well as having to work weekends. While most Japanese people tend to meet their partner at work or school, as a foreigner in Japan, most of my coworkers were foreigners and already married, so I didn’t have any of those options to fall back on.
My Story
To be brief, I will tell my own story and give further details afterward.
One friend recommended a 出会い (meeting) app which in the end turned out to be more like a Japanese Tinder, so of course, most of the candidates on it were not serious and not what I was looking for.
At the time, I was in my 30s and most of the younger-generation Japanese men were not looking to settle down for various reasons such as having a low salary and not feeling like they can support a family, or just plain not wanting to commit.
My search was difficult at first and eventually, I did find a boyfriend which lasted a few years, but after it ended, I was in the same boat again.
I would like to point out two age stigmas in Japan for women. The first, which is very old, is that a woman must be married by the time she’s 30. The second is most men do not want to marry a woman who is past 40.
So here I was close to 40 years old working until 9 at night with no real way to meet quality people.
In the end, I tried お見合い (matchmaking) which is super expensive, and for the sake of making friends (because I didn’t think apps would be successful), I used Pairs by Facebook. Contrary to my expectation the app would be unsuccessful, I met my husband on Pairs.
Here are some details from my experience which I hope will be helpful to anyone looking for a partner.
Resources and Outlets
In modern times, people tend to go to bars and parties to meet people and Japan is no different. There are even foreign bars in Japan where you can go to meet people, but I cannot recommend this if you’re looking for a reputable partner, which is not to say there is something wrong with people who go to bars.
Another popular option is language exchange groups where people meet to practice English and Japanese language and discuss culture. The purpose of the groups is not to find romantic partners, but as you meet new people, it can happen. One place to find a list of language exchange events is on meetup.com. Here is a list of meetup language exchange groups in Tokyo. There are other meetup groups focused on books, hiking, photography, tennis, and many other topics that provide a good way to make new friends and potentially find someone you like as a partner.
Apps and “the sex friend” route
These days dating apps are really popular all around the world and Japan is no exception. However, you have to be careful because Japan also has its versions of Tinder as well! In fact, in Japan, it is acceptable to have a consistent hook-up which is called a sex friend here.
Unless you’re looking for a hookup, I do not recommend using such apps as Youbride and Say Hi! The free お見合い/出会い apps usually turn out to be hookup apps even though they claim to be for matchmaking.
In addition, some お見合い apps require a fee but have a free trial. You can tell what most of these apps are about just by looking at the icons.
While there are a fair share of bad apps out there, there are some good ones, too. One of the best is Pairs (ペアーズ) by Facebook. I know many people including myself who have successfully met good partners and have gotten married using this app.
お見合い(Omiai)
While the options above are modern methods, there is still the old method of お見合い (matchmaking) in Japan. This method was more common in old times when the two families of the prospective matches worked together to negotiate marriage. In most cases was practiced by wealthy families with high social standing.
In modern times almost anyone who can afford it can access お見合い. This method can be expensive, beginning with an initial fee of between ¥150,00 to ¥200,000 or more. In addition, professional profile photos are required as well as a monthly fee for the company to generate prospective matches. There are also events to meet potential matches with an additional fee as well.
Honestly, it was fun to try such an old custom, but it was not very effective. The problem is because everyone is paying for this service, many of the candidates think they can get not only an ideal partner but that they can get someone who might normally be out of their league. It was almost as if they thought they could get the perfect partner.
Also, I don’t know how many others had the same experience as me, but despite having conveyed to the staff the kind of partner I was looking for, I was often matched with men who didn’t meet any of my specified criteria. However, it is possible that the company was not as practiced at matching as it claimed.
The Most Important Aspect of Finding a Partner
While knowing where to look for a partner is a key element, especially when we can easily connect with people online and through various encounters, there is an even more important element that most people don’t think about: understanding themselves and what they truly want in a partner. This is understandable since we’re taught we can have the fairytale romances from movies without really thinking about what it is or why they’re looking for a partner.
BE HONEST
If communicating in Japanese, DON’T be direct and say “I don’t want a sex friend.” For some reason, this seems to have the opposite effect, and you’ll receive an outpouring of responses from less desirable matches. Instead, express the kind of relationship you want to share and build and then detail what you’re looking for.
Sometimes people look for unrealistic qualities about fairy tale romances. However, most of us are everyday people, so when matches come along, consider the kind of person you can chill with and would feel comfortable being with every day.
For example, can you sit and read books together without uncomfortable silence? Does this person like doing normal things such as going for walks, having coffee, etc. as well as exciting things like taking trips, going to events, and so on together?
If the answer is yes, then this person could be “the one”. As a further example, my husband and I are totally cool sitting next to each other playing games on our smartphones, or just having coffee together. Of course, we enjoy trips and other things together as well.
Cliches
This is my final advice. Don’t listen to the cliches! I heard so many from my mother and various friends that it made me want to scream!
“You should enjoy being alone.” I spent a lot of time alone and honestly, I do appreciate my time away from my husband, too. But I also wanted someone to share my life with, so while that statement is valid, it does not mean you have to be alone all the time.
“It’ll happen when you’re not looking.” Unfortunately for me, this was true, at one point I decided to focus on other things because my experience with the お見合い was not going well and that was when I got my husband’s first message on Pairs. It’s important to not be obsessed (like I was) with finding a partner but have balance and enjoy as much as you can.
“You’ll know the person when you meet them.” Again, for me, this was true when I met my husband, but I want to emphasize it was not some kind of fairy tale epiphany! After several failed relationships and knowing myself more deeply than I had before, I could see how well my husband and I suited each other. However, I want to add that both of us remained skeptical at first after having been hurt (by others) as much as we had.
Wrapping Up
Finally, you don’t have to listen to these cliches, and honestly, they drove me crazy even though some of them turned out to be true for me.
The most important elements of looking for a partner are:
- finding an appropriate and safe environment in which to search
- knowing yourself well, and what you want in a partner
- then finding the partner you can be yourself with
Perhaps you may be lucky and can meet someone at work, through friends or family, or have previous connections with. But if not, I wish you the best of luck in your search!
