Samurai Wife
The Myth of Subservient Japanese Women
I don’t remember the first time I met my wife. Of course, she remembers. In my defense, we met at a live music event attended by a throng of Japanese merrymakers — plus yours truly. I met lots of wonderful Japanese people that evening, most of whom I don’t remember. If you believe my wife, she was one of those wonderful people.
A year later, fate would intervene by sending my future wife and me to the same 7–Eleven store at exactly the same time. Figure the odds. With a cast on my broken left wrist, I was there for my daily bento fix, a convenient way to avoid the hassle of cooking with one arm. It didn’t help that I’m left-handed.
My future wife approached me in front of the convenience store with a confidence and energy that commanded my attention. She closed the deal with eye contact and a cheerful greeting. It was her energy that hooked me. I was smitten.
I managed to mumble a greeting in Japanese then proceeded to deliver the cleverest line I could think of: “Do I know you?”
To her credit, she didn’t get huffy or offended. She patiently told me her name and reminded me that we had met at a party and had a mutual friend, Ken’ichi, who at the time was my roommate.
I was so spellbound in the moment that her name went in one ear and out the other.
When I got home I hit up my roommate: “Ken-chan, I just met this Japanese lady at 7–Eleven. She says she knows you. But I can’t remember her name.”
“Describe her,” commanded Ken’ichi in his best detective voice.
“About 160 centimeters tall, black hair, and dark brown eyes.”
“That narrows it down to half of Japan’s population,” he deadpanned. “Can you give me a little more detail?”
Of course I couldn’t. Not even a little. And truth be told, I nearly gave up trying to figure out who the mysterious lady was. But then fate stepped in again. Just weeks after the 7–Eleven encounter, Ken’ichi and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner. Unbeknownst to me at the time, our friend Takashi and his wife knew my future wife.
After a tasty meal, our host fetched two guitars from his studio and the post-dinner jam session was on. Between songs, Takashi turned to me and said, “So, I heard you ran into Kurumi the other day in front of 7–Eleven.”
I immediately found a pen and wrote down her name. (For non-Japanese speakers, “Kurumi” means “walnut” in English.)
I also had the presence of mind to recruit Takashi as an accomplice in hooking me up with her. Walnut lady was now in my sites and the hunt was on.
What’s It Like Being Married to a Japanese woman?
It’s tough to paint a fair picture with a broad brushstroke. For just like snowflakes, no two Japanese women are alike.
With that important disclaimer out of the way, allow me to debunk some myths about Japanese women and point out patterns of behavior that might make you think, “Wow, that’s really different than I expected.”
Delicate, Helpless Wallflowers?
Don’t let the soft, gentle demeanor of a Japanese woman fool you. Make no mistake about it, Japanese women are steely, resolute, downright scary if you underestimate them. My wife is particularly formidable when she’s hungry, the reason I keep her well fed.
Culturally speaking, Japan is still a “man’s world.” But it doesn’t logically follow that Japanese women are wimps.
On the contrary, in contrast to the helpless “damsel in distress” portrayed in Europe’s feudal days of yore, women in Japan’s feudal times were expected to pick up a sword and fight to the death for their master, no special treatment in Samurai Land just because you’re a girl.
Fast forward to the present: my wife is mentally one of the toughest people I know. Lots of Japanese women have nerves of steel. As a cultural demographic they don’t seem as susceptible to the emotional highs and lows that my culture embraces.
In practical terms, it means that when I’m down, my wife never fails to pull me up. And when I’m riding high she always brings me down to Earth. It’s a yin-yang relationship for sure.
If you want to know where the hidden power is in Japan, then follow the money. Japanese women overwhelmingly control the home finances, which means they drive a huge portion of Japan’s massive economy.
Are Japanese Women Subservient?
Men who are married to Japanese women will laugh at this question. Some will cry. Contrary to popular myth, Japanese women don’t kowtow to their husbands. They may nod their heads while you’re talking, but that doesn’t mean they are agreeing to obey you.
From my experience, Japanese women do what they damn well please. The most macho guy in the world is no match for a resolute Japanese woman. Once a Japanese woman makes up her mind to do something, then that’s just how it is going to be.
Are Japanese Women Romantic?
I can’t speak for other Japanese women, but if my wife were romantic, I’d surely be divorced by now. Every year I forget our anniversary. Fortunately for me, my dear wife forgets too, so we quickly forgive each other and move on.
Every year, my wife has to remind me in advance that her birthday is coming up lest I let it pass without my special birthday massage, the only present she wants because it costs nothing. Worse, I never give her flowers or greeting cards. We just don’t do the romantic things that traditional Western couples deem important. And yet we’re happy!
By now, you are wondering how this is possible.
The key reason is that my wife doesn’t like to do romantic things. She’s not a “girlie girl.” Deep below her petite feminine exterior beats the heart of a tomboy, and here’s proof: she has an intimate understanding of the rules of American football, can throw a tight spiral, never watches chick movies, is low maintenance, hates drama, and doesn’t complain when I do guy things. In other words, Kurumi thinks and acts like a guy.
Keep in mind that when we talk about Japanese attitudes toward romance, we’re dealing with a wide bell curve, not to mention that different generations have their own standards. Naturally, there are extreme exceptions. For example, if I were to map out my wife’s position on the “bell curve of romance,” she would be on the far outer fringe of the unromantic side.
This means she would rather get something useful for her birthday, like a pick-up truck (as pictured below), instead of a silly diamond ring.
It means that she would scold me if I ever had the bad judgment to buy her something as useless as a diamond ring — which I couldn’t do even if I wanted to since I’d need her permission to buy it in the first place. See, we even have safety mechanisms in place to prevent me from buying her the wrong gift. It’s a totally fail-proof system for even the most clueless husband.
It also might surprise you to learn that many Japanese women have no use for the “L-word,” a big plus for any romantically challenged guy. Indeed, many Japanese will go through life never saying “I love you” to their spouses. The gooey romantic talk gives them the willies, so don’t take it personally.
Parting advice for husbands ruled by a samurai wife
It’s futile to argue since a samurai wife is impervious to logic.
Accept that you can never win and just be grateful for the bliss of living a harmonious coexistence. Or else.
Do as you’re told.
Never underestimate her.
Keep her well fed and cared for.
(Pro tip: Maintain a safe distance when she’s hungry.)
Don’t give her the willies.
Avoid sarcasm (a skill I’m still working on).
Never, ever joke during a serious discussion. For example, don’t do this:
Most important, be thankful for the gem that you have.
Bonus Round
It really helps to get along with your mother-in-law. For more on this, check out:
For more on intercultural marriages, check out my other article:
Lastly, for a musical recap of this story, here’s an original tune I recently wrote for my wife called “Walnut Dream”…a love song for a lady who hates love songs.
If stories about my cross-cultural triumphs and failures in Japan sound like fun, you can read all about ’em here.
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© Tim Sullivan 2022