Jarvis’ Top Picks: Best Pumpkins for Single People
Signal your emotional availability to neighbors and passersby with some of Jarvis’ favorite fall picks.
Dear Jarvis,
As the days get longer and darker during this trash pile year, I’ve found myself desiring of companionship now more than ever. I’d love to find someone to share a hot beverage with or even a little bit more. My neighbor Jessica is always flaunting her relationship of 6 months when we run into each other in the hallway. Each Halloween, she has an menagerie of pumpkins and gourds and I’m starting to think it has some correlation with her ability to draw in countless partners both sexual and romantic.
I’m going pumpkin shopping tomorrow and so I thought I’d ask, What’s the best kind of pumpkin to signal my availability to neighbors?
Help me, Jarvis!
My love life and the fall spirit are in your hands.
With adequate amounts of appreciation,
Alex, 27, NC
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Hi Alex,
Well, first off, I’d like to say thank you for being our very first writer. When you start a new online publication, it’s heartening to see that there will always be people who enthusiastically put their trust in strangers on the internet.
Based on my vast and finite experience both with romantic attachments and seasonal produce, I’ve compiled a list of what I deem to be the five best kinds of pumpkins to attract *that* kind of attention.
COLON PLEASERS:
1.Rotten pumpkin from last year’s Halloween.
A rotten pumpkin from last year’s Halloween says that you’re environmentally conscious and live a fast-paced life of excitement. When a potential date sees this decaying orange stump of mush sitting outside your door or on your window sill, they’ll appreciate that either you’ve been using the same pumpkin for at least two years (eco-friendly!) or have been too busy to notice its putrid state.
2. Little pumpkin.
This travel-size pumpkin shows that you’re worldly. Why else would someone have such an absurdly pocket-sized piece of produce??!
3. Pumpkin with googly eyes.
Weird little eyes on an orange gourd? Now, that’s fun! When your neighbor Anna walks by your house or apartment, she’ll see this animate orange thing and decide she has to know more about the person who granted it life.
4. Half a pumpkin.
This mysterious gimmick of putting out just half a pumpkin for your fall decor is sure to turn heads. Any passers by will be taken aback if not entranced by the scene. They’ll think to themselves, “Does this person know that they’re missing half a pumpkin? Did they do this intentionally? Was it squirrels? Was the other half used to bake a delicious pie?” With all of the overwhelming possibilities swirling in their heads, they’ll have to knock on your door to find an answer…and also a dashing young someone waiting to be wooed.
5. No pumpkin.
Sometimes, the best way to stand out is to stand aside. By going against the grain with this offbeat display of nonconformity and strength, you’ll be curating an image for yourself as an enigmatic stranger. You’re the unexplained thing, always without explanation and out of reach, like the fruit Tantalus yearned for day after day. No pumpkin is the best way to ghost the whole Halloween tradition while provoking general intrigue.
Hope things are running smoothly,
Jarvis
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MORE FLATULENCE:
Did you know that there is a 1 in 5,000 chance the person sitting next to you is actually the ghost of 37th US president Richard Nixon?
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Have something you want to get out of your system? Write to Jarvis at:
jarvistalkingcolon@gmail.com
