May 9th

My dad is kind of the coolest, not to brag. He wasn’t always, but he made a pretty great comeback later in my life and I am really grateful for that. The one year anniversary of Dylan’s death was on Wednesday the first, and as I predicted, I started falling apart a few days before. My dad was one of the first people I saw last year after it happened. He came to the city and stayed for a good while. I guess that is what families do, but I never really had a close family, so it felt special- like something other people probably take for granted. I know this isn’t true, but sometimes it feels like everyone else has moved on, and I am the only one still suffering with this. I still think about Dylan every day, and I never want to stop.

I was supposed to go to Philly to help dad sort through some of Dylan’s things, but he ended up coming to NYC for a couple nights instead. We took him to Kenka the first night, which is one of our favorite restaurants that does Japanese street food. We take EVERYONE that visits here if we can, and I am starting to think maybe it’s a little bit sadistic. The food is great and affordable, but the vibe is very abrasive. It’s dark, and red, and the music is played loud over literal megaphones on the walls- it’s the kind of music that might play in the background of an old Japanese fighting movie- and the menu is HUGE, both literally in size and in quantity. Everything is written in Japanese first and then English in small print, and I’d probably say for the first timer, you’d only recognize about six dishes.

So between the music, the menu, and the wait (they don’t take reservations, so you are added to a list and you just sort of… eat when you eat) The experience can be very overwhelming for the faint of heart. My sister had a bad time at first when we took her. It was hard to find anything gluten free, but Avery tried something new and Andrew loved it, as we knew he would. After food was ordered she was able to calm down, and that is how it went with dad this time too. We helped him choose something and he really liked it. Our friend Shaun joined us and ordered SO many things. That is kind of how you have to do it- if you’re an adventurous eater and you come to visit, ask us to take you and don’t worry- we will order the good stuff. I always try to order something new, and this time ended up being a very gross looking soy bean dish that, I kid you not, looked like snot. Shaun and Nico ate it, and I tried not to watch. Here are some pics from that.

I did not expect the absence of social media to be so easy. The only time I really think about it is on the subway, when I am trying not to make accidental eye contact with anyone. I have been reading as well as I can, considering the noise, and playing the NYT games. I guess I am still on my phone, but I am doing more productive things. I am taking more videos and more deliberate photos because I am so excited to post them into the blog or on tiktok, so as far as chronicling my life, the novelty is still there. I also have not had too much time to dawdle. I started reading/listening to two “for fun” books- The Comfort Of Crows: A Back Yard Year by Margaret Renkl and Proust Was a Neuroscientist by Jonah Lehrer. The first is memoir and the second is about artists whose work dabbled in science and ended up thinking up things science had not discovered yet. I think I will actually finish these!

I picked up my cap and gown this week! People are asking me every week how excited I am to graduate, and I hate to say it, but I’m not- not really. It is very cool to graduate, especially since it is my first time graduating from anything, and also because I am the first person in my family to graduate from college, but for me, the fun time is over. I have to find a real job now! I loved being in school, and grad school will be around the corner, but it will not come as fast as I would like. Finals week has started, I am writing a few papers and taking three finals in the next two weeks- by the grace of god my French teacher is giving us a very easy final- I think it is because he cant fail us all. (Collective bargaining works!) One paper is on AI and how LLMs differ from humans in communication and understanding, which might sound obvious but it really, really is not. The second one is about the manic pixie dream girl archetype in movies, and the third is an accumulation of everything I have been thinking about in my philosophy of mind class. The professor I have for philo of mind is going to advise my independent study this summer on this subject, with an emphasis on the work of the guy I want to study under for grad school at NYU, so I have that to look forward to, and this essay will reflect a sort of intro point to that study.

I took my philosophy children (the young adults I have befriended in the philosophy department, who probably hate that I call them my children) see a shadow cast do The Rocky Horror Picture Show last week, and it was really fun to watch them watch it for the first time. Some of them had never even seen the movie! Here is an embarrassing pic of my outfit. I took a bunch of videos, one of which is in the TikTok video I made of this past week. I’m @consciouscorpse on there, if you’re interested. (My apartment is a mess, plz ignore.)

I made a very spicy chili, and it destroyed my body and soul, but damn was it good. Dylan was always really good at chili. He made one at my apartment when he was staying with us and he put oregano in it, and now that is my secret weapon. I am not an herby gal, but it really works. chili is what I make either when I am cooking over a campfire or when there is nothing left in the fridge. If the bodega across the street is the only place open, it’s chili night. I forgot to take pictures, so here is that recipe.

The only spices you really need are chili powder, paprika, and cumin. I was out of chili powder this time around so I used Cayenne pepper instead. We had some beef burger patties in the freezer, an onion and some garlic, and tomato paste- so I went to the bodega for the rest. You want to get a can of diced tomatoes (literally the only time I will ever say the tomato brand does not matter, so don’t get used to it) Then at least two types of beans. I almost always get baked beans, I like the sweetness it adds to the chili, so I got those and Roman beans. Get a can of jalapeño or Serrano peppers, or both if you’re bold like I was, and maybe a can of corn if they have it. That is it! Slice those real thin. A lot of brands come with some carrots in there too, definitely don’t throw those away. cut everything up small and use the juice from the can to hydrate the tomato paste.

From here, most people know the drill. Another good thing about making chili from canned items is you barely have to measure. It’s just oil and onions and garlic (1/2 a large onion and like four cloves of garlic) in a pot for a bit, the ground beef and a good four or five tablespoons of tomato paste until the beef is brown and the paste is toasted. Throw all of the spices in with the tomato paste. You could even add some water to the paste and spices first to loosen it up, but I tend to just put everything in the pot and let it do its thing. Then just add all of the contents of the cans plus one can full of water or broth if you have it. The only thing you want to drain from the cans is the liquid in the roman or pinto bean can, but put all if that good flavor from the peppers and the baked beans in. Let it go for like, what, thirty minutes? Don’t forget to scrape the bottom occasionally. We baked some potatoes and ate the chili on top with cream cheese and shredded cheddar cheese, and later for a midnight snack I ate some with tortilla chips.

One dish I DID get pics of was this shrimp and mushroom stir fry. I got a pack of enoki mushrooms in Chinatown for like two dollars and I had never had them before, so I grilled them up. They were really good, they’d make a perfect pulled pork or chicken substitute! I have no idea how I made this, but it’s pretty so here’s the pic.

I made a pretty kick ass spicy eggplant lasagna too. I have been doing the pasta dough in the food processor to get the kneeding started and I can not believe it took me so long to figure that out. My only real secret for lasagna is doing a mixture of ricotta and bechamel for the creamy layer. I know that it is a heated debate, where people argue for one or the other, but I think it’s really nice to do both if you can. There is a life lesson in there somewhere. I don’t do this all of the time, but the market where we get our veggies had a ton of plum tomatoes on sale so I got a few pounds. I blanched and skinned them and made the sauce that way. San Marizano tomatoes are like six bucks a can up here, so I saved some money for a fresher product!

My nephew turns 10 today!! HOW though??? He was just a tiny baby last week, time is a thief! I’m excited to call him later and have him tell me all about his day. I used to be so jealous of kids that had birthdays during the school year. Some moms would bring in cupcakes or candy, and the class would make them feel special- so nice. Every so often my birthday would be the last day of school, but almost always it was a few days too late. It is pretty rad to have a summer birthday, though, so don’t pitty me too much. Not everyone gets to have a pool party, or a “beach bash”. Reportedly, Avery is having a nice little sleepover this weekend with a couple of the boys from his class. Classic. Our little Taurus, already showing signs of quality over quantity and introversion, despite being one of the loudest people alive.

Anyway, here’s some pics of Tootie to send us off. See you on the other side of finals.