The beginning- April 24

Hello, hi.

Let me paint you a picture.

I had just crawled into bed with Clausy, and I had set two books on the side table. The intention was to read- maybe the first book, but I was being kind enough to myself to accept that it was probably too dense (Shelly Kagan’s Geometry of Desert, the ethical desert, not, like, the Sahara) and I might not get through it this late at night, so I brought a back up- something with less pressure to remember what I had just read- a collection of short memoir stories by Nick Hornby called 31 Songs. As you can probably guess, neither of these books got read. This is why we are here. I got a notification on instagram, checked it, and then four hours went by. I think everyone can probably relate to letting time slip through their fingers online, to some extent, and I keep finding myself in little situations like this. I was googling a certain type of shoe for a friend last week, and the next time I went onto instagram every other post was a shoe ad. And they were beautiful! I don’t need more shoes, guys. I don’t even need the suggestion for new shoes. I’m trying to shop LESS, and more intentionally, and this certainly does not help. I wince imagining Nico’s face when yet another package comes to the door. More often than not these days I am finding myself sucked into the app, then, catching myself, I slam the phone down and say, “no!”, out loud, scaring the dog and looking like a crazy person. Something has to change.

For my sanity, and, frankly, for my bank account, I need a god damn break. It’s not, you, instagram- it’s me. I have zero self control. I am very open and honest about having an addictive personality, so this really should not be a surprise for anyone. I’m sure some people have the ability to set and abide by screen time limits but that shit does not work for me. I will “15 more minutes” for three hours. This is no longer acceptable behavior, and I am going to have to treat myself like a two year old and place myself on time out from the social media apps. After I get all of my photos off of the apps and into digital or physical albums (thank you, Leslie, for figuring that out for me) I will be deleting for good. I am hoping this improves my life in the following ways, and I will document these changes. For science.

1.) I will, hopefully, read more. I have about ten books on deck and more after that. I am about to graduate, and I will spend all summer and fall preparing my graduate school applications. My wishlist STARTS with NYU and ENDS with Yale- I have to focus. (I will likely end up at the CUNY grad center, which, honestly, rules. I would be happy with any grad placement.) Philosophy is an extremely competitive field. It’s also hard, and it is impossible to fake it until you make it. The only way to do it is to read the material, comprehend it, and then write good work with original ideas. (There is also the scholar route- no original ideas, just being an expert on one type of philosophy or philosopher’s work, but that is so freaking boring and I would really rather not.) I LOVE READING. I love writing even more than I love reading, and above all, what attracted me to philosophy in the first place, ultimately, is the constant exchange of ideas. Inspiration is my favorite feeling in the world. If I spent as much time as I do on instagram cracking into one of these books, I would be happier. I know this, factually.

2.) I will, hopefully, write more. I took a non-fiction workshop that focused on memoir this semester as an elective, and it reinstalled something in me that dropping out of SCAD broke, what feels like a lifetime ago. I love to write. I am also good at it. My professor told me she thought the pieces I wrote were publishable. She gave me a book about getting your work out there, which got bumped to the top of the pile. They don’t do that for just anyone! So, my intention is to write a memoir about death/dying and my experiences as a funeral worker, a non-practicing death doula, and my life experiences with death. I can not do that when I am spending hours on social media watching Italian greyhounds do fashion shows (though, I will miss them.) It will not hurt to write these emails a couple times a month, even if it’s just as an exercise to get the flow going. It will also be a nice break from the philosophy papers. The long term goal is to make philosophy more accessible and readable for normal people, but for now, they have to be academic, and that is a much harder skill to master. These emails and blog posts will be a treat.

3.) I will, hopefully, reach out to you all more. I will miss the memes, and the reels, and the recipes, but most of all I will miss keeping up with everyone. I think this will actually be good for me, though, because I have found myself having parasocial relationships with people that I actually know! People I have known for years! I know about your vacations, and your kids, and your special events, but I am not having any conversations with you. We are becoming real life strangers because it is not required of me to speak to any of you for me to see what’s going on. This is going to force me to text and call and check up on you people in real time- that’s probably better, right? And I will not go completely dark- I actually had some success growing a tiktok following back when I was doing the doula stuff, so I will keep it. I will eventually have to promote a book, and the following is good to have. Also, this is not a punishment. Everyone gets to have a vice, and TikTok is my chosen guilty pleasure. I can at least choose not to look at the TikTok shop.

As it turns out, I have a perfectly good and established blog on Medium that I completely forgot about. I started it at SCAD in 2015, and some of my old published writing is on there. (I am going through it all right now as I write this draft and hiding the bad ones, but MAYBE I will leave some of them up. A lot of them were published by this website called Elephant Journal back then, so it’s not like you can’t find them elsewhere. The ones I DO leave will be unedited.) I think I will do this- emails for those who can’t be bothered with the blog, and blog just in case you prefer that format. Blog link will be attached, all content will be the same. What I liked about instagram was the opportunity to archive my life, and this will be as much for me as it is for you all, if not more.

Here are some pics of Clausy (he got a new harness, and is very happy about the nice weather), the bad pic I got of the eclipse and my classmates that came with me to see it, one of my nephew getting bored at his soccer game (making me so proud), some bad-ass dishes from my buddy Shaun’s new spring menu at the Brooklyn Winery, and a trip we took to the Chinatown in Flushing Queens with a few friends. My doctors offices are in Manhattan’s Chinatown, so every time I have to go to the doctor, my treat is trying a new little hole in the wall there. The fish markets are SO affordable, too. I have a nice little routine, but Nico and I wanted to check out what Flushing was like- it did not disappoint. I would for sure recommend the trip (it’s an hour and 15 from Brooklyn), and I have some recommendations for where to eat. There is also a picture stolen from pinterest of a bouquet of flowers. These are the colors I am considering for the wedding, and I will absolutely be making all of you choose one of them for your wedding attire. Did you think my wedding would not be color coded? You know me better than that. Some bonus photos (that weren’t in the email due to size) are: Nico’s sourdough starter that is taking over my kitchen, my friend Horte eating pasta primavera and celebrating her getting tenure at her school, and Washington square park in the rain, me in Washington square park later that week, Nico eating Chinese food at a buffet we found, the pig he won me there from the claw machine, and another one of Nico at this Mexican restaurant we like off of the Myrtle Wycoff stop on the L- just because i think he’s handsome in it.

As for recipes- I didn’t take any pictures, but now that it’s spring, the meals I can’t stop making are pasta primavera and this cool ricotta asparagus and leek pasta dish I found on Instagram (really hoping TikTok lives up to the recipe collection I had there. RIP.) The primavera is insanely easy. Veggies add up FAST and you do not want to crowd the pan, so only use like half of a cup of each veg and see how it looks combined.The staples are onion (shallot if you’re fancy), lots of garlic, and cherry tomatoes. Everything else you can improvise. I do mine with zucchini, eggplant, and mushrooms, but I have seen it done with red peppers, green beans, whatever you have. The trick is to not treat it like a healthy dish. Use lots of olive oil and salt, and a few pads of butter at the very end for texture. I use parsley or basil, and unless you really like them, I would avoid rosemary or thyme, they’re a little too powerful. You want the tomatoes and garlic to really shine through. Saute until soft, you want the tomatoes to be the sauce, so if you can fork ’em, it’s not done yet.

For the asparagus- with leeks, you really don’t need onion. Throw the leeks- sliced thin and thoroughly cleaned- into a pan with olive oil (a conservative amount, which is unlike me to suggest.) with the asparagus and some garlic, salt, and pepper. Cut the butts off of a lemon and throw them both in, face down, with the veggies. Squeeze half of the lemon juice in there. It will take a while for everything to soften, but once they are soft you can add the pasta and some pasta water. Stir in like… I don’t know, as much ricotta as pasta in and mix until smooth. If you did a cup of pasta, do a cup of ricotta, and so on. For these measurements, you probably only need like a cup and a quarter of leeks and perhaps eight asparaguses, chopped up (sticks? stalks? What is asparagus plural?). Lemon to finish, and if you’re a real cheese lover, some pecorino.