Learnings from 2017: Being Present

2017 was the most present year of my life.

Previously, I spent a lot of time living in the past or the future. I know I’m not alone — on average we spend up to 47% of our time being absent.

For me, this way of living goes back to my childhood.

My therapist told me that when we have few memories from our early life, it’s usually because we were not present. We were ruminating or worrying about something that prevented us from living in the moment and forming concrete memories.

While it’s just a theory, it makes sense. I don’t remember what I was preoccupied with back then, but I did go through periods of depression. Heavy stuff for an elementary school-aged kid to deal with.

More recently, I’ve joked that my inability to stay present has gotten worse since purchasing my first iPhone nine years ago. While there’s no way to prove it, I’m almost certain these devices have contributed to my distracted state of being. Something I know many can relate to in our digital age.

Given all of the recent research, meditation seemed like a way to alleviate these problems. Three years ago I tried it for about a month but it resulted in frustration. I thought I was “bad” at it. It’s really difficult to clear your mind, even for five minutes. Really difficult.

About 14 months ago I rediscovered meditation and learned that actually…it’s not about clearing your mind.

It’s about creating awareness.

Creating awareness of the stories we tell ourselves. The narratives. About why certain things or people (including yourself) are the way they are.

Everything we interact with in the world is incredibly complex. It’s impossible to fully understand the intricacies of a person, a company, or a political ideology. We make sense of these things through mental shortcuts — biases, stories, and values — that help us learn “what is right.”

When we become more aware of the stories we tell ourselves, we become more in control over how we respond to everything we encounter in life — good, bad and everything in between — what Jon Kabat Zinn calls full catastrophe living.

I have a friend who used to think that quiet people were “too good” to talk to her. Based on past experiences, she subconsciously assumed that QUIET = STUCK UP. Then, after getting to know a mutual friend who didn’t engage with her at first, she realized she believed a false narrative.

That mutual friend was me. Hearing this story was an eye opening look at how differently we all look at the world — and how often we are wrong.

Meditation has helped me take control of how I live my life.

It starts with one breath — the most effortless thing in the world (every living person breathes, after all).

It’s also perhaps the most special. Because to breathe signifies life. And how fitting that paying attention to our breath can make us live a more meaningful one.

Much more on mindfulness in the new year. For now, below are eight things I learned this year by becoming more present.

1. Your Perceived Weaknesses May Actually Be Strengths

I am an introvert living in a culture that values extroversion.

Owning up to my introversion was a small but significant step this year. I think I always knew I was an introvert. But I never thought much about it until now.

Nearly every meeting at work is filled with smart people who have opinions and are not afraid to share them. I used to think that not knowing what to say or not having a strong opinion was a weakness. But in many cases it can be a strength.

Adam Grant calls this powerless communication in his book Give And Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success. Powerless communication involves speaking less assertively, expressing doubt and relying on the advice of others.

Grant’s research suggests there are two paths to influence: dominance and prestige. Prestige is aligned with powerless communication. Dominance is more closely aligned with extroversion and what he calls powerful communication — speaking forcefully to express authority. This is the kind of communication valued in corporate America. But this type of influence can easily backfire:

When our audiences are skeptical, the more we try to dominate them, the more they resist. Even with a receptive audience, dominance is a zero-sum game: the more power and authority I have, the less you have… Conversely, prestige isn’t zero-sum; there’s no limit to the amount of respect and admiration that we can dole out. This means that prestige usually has more lasting value.

This was a huge insight.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking has validated many of the ways I’ve felt throughout my life. For example:

Introverts…may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.

This year I’ve started accepting myself as I am. And being an introvert is a huge part of my being.

2. You Can’t Always Control the Stressor, but You Can Control the Stress

This past spring I took a class called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. It was created nearly 40 years ago to help people with chronic pain live better lives — not by reducing their pain but by changing their relationship to it.

Today, the course is taken by people looking to live with any kind of stress, from physical to psychological and everything in between.

Stress generally comes from wanting things to be different than how they are right now. Thinking about all of the work you wish you didn’t have to do doesn’t serve you, but it certainly causes stress.

We can’t always control our work. But simply becoming aware of the stress it causes makes us better able to deal with it. So instead of getting caught up in the “oh my god how am I going to finish all of my work” narrative, you can put together a big old to do list (just writing it down helps — see #7 below). Or, you can do something you know provides relief: go on a jog, take a bath, or have a cup of coffee.

Noticing how stress manifests itself in our bodies does not come naturally to most of us, so there are meditation practices (the foundational one is called a body scan) which help us become more in tune with what we feel, in our bodies.

Finally, simply becoming more aware of the stories we tell ourselves — creating a space between what we think and how we respond — helps alleviate stress. The last time you thought to yourself “I’m in over my head at work and might get fired” did you react by believing it? And feeling anxiety take over? Or, did you laugh it off as a silly thought?

As neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl puts it:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

3. All We Really Have Are Our Assumptions

There’s an old saying, popularized by the 70s sitcom The Odd Couple:

“To ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME”

I was taught this phrase in middle school. There’s a lot of truth to it. But yet, we still make plenty of assumptions every day.

Albert Einstein pointed out that the more he learns, the more he realizes how much he doesn’t know.

And the things we THINK we know? Most of it are assumptions.

In Einstein’s case, his crowning achievement, the Theory of General Relativity, was just that — a theory. An assumption. It took a century to prove that he was right. And this is Einstein we’re talking about…

Think about the thoughts that go through your head in a given day. Thoughts about why certain people (including yourself) are the way they are. Or what the right strategy is to take at work. Do you really know if what you think is true? Really?

This year I read Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Hoah Harari. There’s a chapter on the scientific revolution called “The Discovery of Ignorance.”

Harari’s observation is that the enormous progress we saw around the world beginning in the 1400s was a result of a cultural shift. Many pioneers, from Newton to Darwin, discovered their ignorance and began to question the world around them, leading to discoveries like gravity and the theory of evolution.

While we’ve made a lot of progress from a scientific and technological perspective and have built a culture around the scientific method, there are many other areas of our lives that could benefit from admitting our ignorance:

• The intent of someone at work
• Why our parents behave the way they do
• Our narratives around our employers
• Assumptions about the industry we work in
• Why that “asshole” flipped you off from his Mercedes
• Understanding why you have the habits you do

Challenging our assumptions is hard and sometimes scary work. But becoming more aware of our ignorance makes us more open to changing our minds.

What type of person would you prefer to be — someone who is stubborn? Or flexible and open minded?

4. Stop Looking For Happiness. It’s Already Here.

Neuroscientist Rick Hanson observed that in the brain, positive experiences are like teflon and negative ones like velcro. We may notice positive experiences but they subside quickly. Negative ones stick and we focus on them — sometimes obsessively.

From an evolutionary and biological perspective, positive experiences don’t do much for our survival as a species, while negative ones do. The good news is, we can rewire our brains to notice the positive more often.

Hanson dives deeper into this in his book Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, but briefly:

The process is as simple as (1) noticing positive experiences, and then (2) feeling into them before they slip away.

I did this just last week on my way home from work. I was thinking about how I had a good day at the office, which led to a thought about lucky I am to have my job. I started to feel a warmth in my upper body, which I decided was what gratitude feels like.

Instead of moving on to the next natural thought on my commute home (what should I have for dinner?) I leaned into the feeling of gratitude and really savored it. I noticed how it felt in my body, and just let it sink in.

The whole thing lasted about ten seconds. But normally, it would have lasted two to three before moving on to dinner plans.

Over time, noticing these moments rewires the brain to notice and savor other positive experiences.

So maybe you hate your job and that wasn’t a relatable example. This exercise can be as simple as noticing the warm sun on a cold day, or the cool ocean breeze, or the first bite of your favorite meal.

It sounds ridiculous, I know. And I felt uncomfortable the first time I did it. But give it a try.

In our culture, we spend so much of our lives in a perpetual state of stress, looking for the next promotion, bonus, or relationship for happiness. But oftentimes, in the long run, that’s not where we’ll find it. Or if it is, it’s not always sustainable. Jobs can be lost. Bonuses can be quickly spent. Relationships can end.

Tim Urban explains this idea beautifully:

“Happiness is the joy you find on hundreds of forgettable Wednesdays”

5. You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions or Feelings

Have you ever had a feeling (a bad headache), then told yourself a story about that feeling (these headaches have been happening often, I wonder if something is wrong with me… brain cancer???), which then fueled an emotion (stress), which further fueled the headache, which caused ruminating about cancer, which fueled more stress?

This happened to me this past summer. Guess what? They were stress headaches.

Our thoughts, emotions and feelings are separate experiences. But they can get caught up in a viscous cycle and feed off of one another.

One of the most profound things I’ve learned this year is that we are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. And we are not our feelings.

The best analogy I’ve heard to explain this is that emotions are like the weather; they come and go. Behind the storms of life (sad experiences or emotions) is a clear blue sky. Remembering this during hard times is powerful.

One simple way to practice this insight is to 1) label and 2) distance yourself from emotions. Next time you’re feeling lonely, tell yourself “I am experiencing loneliness,” instead of “I am lonely.”

The latter makes it personal — about BEING a lonely person. The former creates some space.

6. We All Should Have A Little More Compassion Towards Ourselves

Back in October I was coordinating a mindfulness webinar for 24 of our VPs at work. Towards the middle, there was a minor miscommunication between me and a colleague on the agenda. I made a remark to her that I thought was funny, to get us back on track.

After the meeting, she told me that she was upset by the comment I made, and that others in the room (sitting behind me) reacted to it as well. I apologized, told her that was not my intent, and that I would be more thoughtful next time.

As soon as she left, my inner critic took over.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT JARED?! IN A ROOM WITH ALL THOSE VPS?? THEY’RE GOING TO THINK YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE AND THAT YOU HAVE NO RESPECT TOWARDS OTHERS.

Before I could go any further, I caught myself and re-wrote the narrative:

It’s okay — you made a mistake. You’re human. It’s okay to feel bad — she was hurt — but you know that you are not a jerk and only show respect for others. Everyone else in the room probably knows it was out of character.

In America, everyone is familiar with the term “inner critic” — that voice in our heads that punishes us for making mistakes, or for not being perfect. But we’re not so familiar with the idea of self-compassion.

In fact, in other languages, the word “compassion” implies compassion for yourself and for others. In English, we had to create a new term to describe it.

This year I took a course on mindful self-compassion. The incident at work happened days after my first class.

Initially I was hesitant to tell others about the course out of embarrassment. But once I started describing it as “trying to quiet the inner critic and be nicer to ourselves, so in turn we can show more compassion for others — ala putting airplane oxygen masks on first,” people got it.

There are three pieces to self-compassion, according to the program’s creators Kristin Neff and Chris Germer:

1. Mindfulness: in order to be self-compassionate, we need to catch the moments we are hard on ourselves, like I did after receiving feedback from my colleague. The inner critic is such a close friend that I often forget he is there, running on autopilot.
2. Common humanity: negative emotions can spiral into anxiety or depression if we feel isolated (“I am the only person who feels this way.”) But reminding yourself that many others experience these same feelings, and that you are far from alone — is a form of self-compassion and healing.
3. Self-kindness: approach difficult situations with the kindness that a close friend or loved one would show towards you. Acknowledging that “this is really hard right now” gives you permission to feel the way you feel. Denying your feelings is a way of suppressing them — and that rarely works out for anyone.

Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is worth a read. It’s backed by a lot of research suggesting that utilizing self-compassion is a healthy, more fulfilling way to live.

7. Don’t Underestimate The Power of Writing

Try this experiment:

The next time you’re stressed or frustrated about something, take out a piece of paper and a pen (not a computer), and write about it for five minutes. Write anything you want about the situation. Your worries or anxieties about it, various outcomes, how you feel…anything.

Then, notice how you feel.

After long days at work, I’ve used this exercise to help me fall asleep at night, put situations into perspective, and vent when I needed to. There’s something soothing about getting thoughts out of your head onto paper — studies have suggested just how powerful journaling can be.

On and off this year, I’ve also used something called the Self Journal — a daily planner with goal setting and gratitude. Each journal is structured into 13 week sprints to help you get closer to your goals.

I’ve found that starting my day by planning it out (even though it will inevitably change) helps me feel more in control and less pulled from meeting to meeting, because I’ve built in time to do tasks I need to do (more on this concept here).

And there is a plethora of research on the power of gratitude — the Self Journal includes areas to list what you are grateful for in the morning and right before bed. While it sometimes feels forced, I inevitably always feel better after I do it.

Of course you don’t need to buy a $30 journal to do any of these things…any notebook will do.

8. Change Your Perspective, Change Your Life

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for six and a half years. My first five years here were spent with one foot in, one foot out of the city.

In January I started to drag the second foot inside.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the political climate and realizing that Los Angeles in all of its liberal, progressive glory is pretty great (it’s not a bad “bubble” to be in, for someone like me). Maybe it’s because my new job, after a turbulent first year, started to get into a groove.

Within the first few months of this year, I started to feel grateful for this city. It’s been nothing but good to me. Sure, the traffic sucks, and plenty of the other negative stereotypes about it are true. But plenty of other cities have their problems.

I don’t know if I’ll live here for the rest of my life. But I’ve stopped resisting being here. And it’s made life much more enjoyable to live.

Changing your perspective is very much a cliche — but a difficult one to achieve. But I finally managed to do it this year. And I’ve discovered how amazing simply letting go of something that’s holding you back, can be.

2017 has been a year of learning. A year of growth. A year of reflection.

I’m ending the year and starting 2018 with a meditation retreat in the San Francisco Bay Area. More on that experience soon.

I have struggled to describe these mindfulness experiences and learnings to people because it can feel so foreign to some…and I don’t want to sound preachy.

But what has drawn me to mindfulness has been its simplicity and accessibility. It doesn’t cost anything to meditate. There’s no one organization or center that “runs” mindfulness.

Our minds are capable of awesome things — in every sense of the word. We are not static. We are not the generalizations we often give ourselves and others.

Don’t we owe it to ourselves to understand ourselves and the world around us a little bit more?