Adjusting to New Norms and Unlearning Them at the Same Time: Managing Our Expectations and Finding Ourselves Again in Academia and in Life
Erica Cheng
Master of Education, Ontario Institute of Education for Studies, University of Toronto
I bounced off the walls when I heard I would present my Major Research Paper at a graduate student research conference. It took place in 2019, the final year of my Master of Education. It was my first conference which also became my last. Although I learned immensely at the conference, I finished my presentation feeling defeated as I was unsuccessful in receiving constructive feedback on my work. I used quantitative research methods for my research but everyone in the room was more experienced in qualitative research. Understandably, they were uncomfortable providing me with advice on research methods. Regrettably, the session chair had no feedback for me for the same reason. Despite feeling disappointed, I reminded myself that this is only one of many conferences I will experience in the future where I will connect with others trained in quantitative methods and share similar research interests. I aspired to attend and present at renowned conferences someday such as the American Educational Research Association (AERA) when I decide to pursue my doctoral studies. The original plan was to return to school after working for a couple of months which ended up becoming three years because of the pandemic.
I was fortunate enough to secure a job after graduation and took this time to gain work experience before applying for my doctoral studies. In March 2020, which was one month into my position, the lockdowns changed everything. It made me struggle internally with accepting that my plan for my studies is on hold indefinitely. Secondly, I was eager to attend my school’s graduate student research conference that year with graduate school friends. We were presenting our soon-to-be published book chapter. I expected my second conference experience to be better than my first one with my friends by my side. Understandably, they had to cancel the conference. My regret that my one conference experience was a mediocre one remains to this day.
Every day, I poured all my energy into my work to help my clients while neglecting myself. Juggling a fast-paced and high-volume workload while talking to clients all day and listening to them tell me how the pandemic ruined their lives while trying to help them was a challenge which destroyed my work-life balance. I experienced empathy burnout as I empathized too much with my clients. Slowly, the physical symptoms of burnout followed as well. I was dealing with experiencing pains I never encountered before. I was suffering from burnout and feelings of languishing with the rest of the department. After spending all day helping clients who tell me how the pandemic ruined their business, I had no energy to connect with anyone. Some days I could not muster the energy to talk to my friends or family. As a result, this spilled over to my academic activities, including my involvement with JCACS.
Although I am not currently in school, I stayed connected with the academic community through my work with JCACS. My connections with others suffered while I dealt with my burnout over the last two years. I loved thinking critically and connecting with others on different topics in education. Education is a passion of mine; it was why I pursued a degree in Educational Leadership and Policy and joined this journal in the first place. The effects of the lockdowns and my work made me emotionally tired and I wanted to isolate. It saddens me that I did not have enough energy to devote myself to the things I loved because I miss that version of myself and I am still trying to find myself in that manner.
I miss being in school after joining the workforce and I am learning to accept that life is unpredictable. Leaving my previous job for my current position helped alleviate stress, and the thought of connecting with others no longer exhausts me to the same extent. However, my current department has a hybrid schedule which terrified me because I no longer knew how to connect with anyone with my decaying social skills. Slowly, I am becoming comfortable interacting with others and wanting to advance my academic interests with the journal and my studies. No matter how long it takes, I know I want to pursue my doctoral studies. I crave the entire student experience, learning and connecting with scholars in classrooms and at conferences. It fascinates me to study research, present my work to others, and find and learn from people who share similar research interests. When the time comes, I am sure I will find the version of myself ready to take on this challenge.
