Creating New Meaningless Societal Norms: Showing Compassion by Saying Thank You (Even When You Do Not Mean It)
Erica Cheng
Master of Education, University of Toronto
Person A: How are you?
Person B: I am good, and yourself?
Person A: I am good too; I want to speak to you about [insert topic].
Does this type of interaction sound familiar? How often have you asked another individual how they are and truly cared to know how the other person is doing? It is often just a greeting because the other person would likely state that they are fine, regardless of their feelings. In return, they will ask you the question, and you will respond that you are fine too. Somehow engaging in the formalities before transitioning into the real purpose of the conversation is a norm to be perceived as polite when the exchange itself may not continue to be pleasant.
It seems like a harmless and meaningless question to ask someone, even a stranger because you assume the answer will always be that they are good and will ask you the same. What happens when someone breaks the norm and states they are not good? Do you further engage in the conversation or say that you are sorry to hear that?
It is a privilege to be able to leave these conversations when you do not care about how the other person is doing. Not everyone can exit conversations; frontline service workers cannot end these conversations because they must move the conversation beyond the formalities to get to the client’s request. I am a public servant who spends 2.5 hours daily on the phone assisting clients who call into the phone lines while also managing my cases during the rest of the day. Every phone call with a client starts with the person asking me how I am before discussing their file. My response to this question is irrelevant because I would never say I am not well. No client would care about how I was doing that day. It does not matter if a client screamed at me on a previous call. Why? Because it is my job.
The harmless formality is exhausting as a frontline service worker because I must engage in these formalities six to ten times daily for my phone shift, taking up my finite energy for emotionally draining phone calls. You are doing us a favour by skipping the formalities and getting straight to the point. It is unnecessary to tell us that you are not good because if you were, you would not have called. You will share, even when not prompted to share why, because I cannot exit the conversation, and it is my job to assist you with your inquiries.
Clients often take this opportunity while on the phone to explain everything wrong in their lives, sometimes screaming that we do not know how hard their lives are. These conversations leave a very sour taste because the clients seem to forget that the agent on the other end of the phone receiver is a human being with their own set of challenges in life. As frontline service workers, we must engage with our clients with compassion and understanding but with none for us, accompanied by varying doses of disrespect on a given day.
It is easy to burn out in customer service roles, especially when clients continuously repeat their life stories about how life has been unfair to them. You can only have so much compassion for others when the feelings are not mutual. When clients have no compassion for you as a human being or as an agent who manages other files, not just theirs, and when they threaten to file a complaint against you because they are unhappy when not getting what they want.
As frontline service workers, it is sad that we have to accept that no compassion or understanding from clients is the norm, so I am shocked whenever clients genuinely thank me for my time and efforts. One client thanked me for taking the time to listen to him and working with him. He stated that I do not have an easy job and that he would not want to be in my shoes. This brief comment, which might not have meant much to him, truly made my day. These comments help me to keep going and carry out my daily phone shifts. I know people are not always appreciative, but there are some good ones I have yet to encounter.
I do not have compassion fatigue; I am tired of being in conversations while subjected to disrespect, and my compassion for others is unreciprocated, yet unable to leave. The societal norm of asking someone how they are when you do not care should change to concluding conversations by thanking the other person for their time and efforts, even if you do not mean it. The next time you encounter a frontline service worker, focus on getting to the point quickly. We do not have the privilege of leaving the conversation as you do. A harmless or meaningless thank you on your part means the world, even if you are not sincere. It at least allows us to have the energy to pick up the next call and demonstrate compassion because clients showed us a little kindness and a break. A little empathy goes a long way for everyone.
