
Death never gets easier
First time I ever experienced death was when I was 10! A girlfriend of mine was climbing a tree and she slipped and fell and her head hit the trunk of the tree, and she fell into the ditch. I remember running as fast as I could to get my Dad. My and Dad and his friend came running to the ditch to help her. She was walking towards my Dad and then she passed out in front of him. My Dad carried her to our house and my Mom called 911. I remember my Dad saying her eyes had rolled back into her head, while she was laying on our couch. A week later she passed away. Her brain wouldn’t stop swelling. 😥
I would experience death 10 more times! People who I cared about loved and respected. The last 5 have been the hardest and most hard on me. I would of thought by now that seeing someone die or go through that stage in life would get easier. NO!
It all started with my grandma, she slowly wasted away until she passed away 2001. I was the last person to see her and I remember I told her I loved her and it’s ok to go. I walked out of her room, and as I passed the nurses station 3 nurses went running into her room. She passed away when I left the room. The next hard time would be in March 2010, I helped take care of my Mom until I helped her get into bed, and told her I loved her and I was going to the store. I told her to rest, and I loved her. When I came back from the store she had passed away. Then in November 2012, I would end up breaking into my ex husbands apartment, to find him dead of a drug overdose. Then again in 2016 I was the last one to see my grandpa before he passed. I told him I loved him and it’s ok to go. Now August 2018, I would see my mother in law pass at the hospital.
I’ve gotten help, I’ve talked and shared and done everything under the sun for it not to haunt me. During the day I’m fine, it’s at night laying in bed trying to sleep is when flashes of everything I’ve seen and felt come back to life. Will it ever go away I don’t think so!
It doesn’t get any better! It doesn’t get any easier! I think it gets harder, because of the simple fact that it brings up everything and I mean everything that I’ve experienced with death and loving someone who passed.
To this day I am haunted by what I’ve seen. Death scares me now more than anything else. Yes I do believe in God and know where my loved ones are and where I’m going. But everything I’ve experienced with death scares me!! My biggest fear now in life is finding one of my children dead or them dying before me. Death never will be easier it will always get harder. The sad thing is death causes pain only to the ones left. But for the ones who have passed on they found peace.

