This might be you, this might have happened to you, either way it was the beginning of true love with the potential of a life time with a possible compatible soulmate that quickly over time doomed the relationship and turned it into suffering, torment, false accusations, vial language, lies, possible betrayals, emotional and mental abuse, maybe even physical abuse and definitely two exhausted and broken hearts in the end.

If you have been a subject of this type of behaviour, then you need to realize that a relationship with a jealous partner is abusive.

I also need to let you know that you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

There is no way you could have improved it in any way and all the things you were accused of, were either false accusations or triggered you to reciprocate the way you did.

You are only human after all, and the emotional and mental drainage you’ve had to endure will break the best of us.

All the deflecting in arguments, confusion, gaslighting, mirroring, the impossibility of being able to reach a solution in any type discussion, without being able to avoid it to turn into an argument in the end.

Most of the time either being accused of triggering their tantrum, because you’ve said the ‘wrong’ thing, according to them, or a very snarky and patronizing response that has the aim of belittling you.

You might even have reached the point where you just wanted to avoid the arguments so you started to agreeing to things you don’t agree on, maybe also caught yourself drinking more often then you should just to be more relaxed and less reactive emotionally to numb your feelings so that you wouldn’t feel hurt, because you love this person and this person loves you.

At least you did in the early stages of the relationship.

And in those early stages they got attracted to you for all the attributes they now are criticizing you for constantly and getting jealous and enraged about.

And you keep hearing that it’s all your fault, and you were single then but now you are in a relationship and need to change those traits.

What are those terrible traits according to the jealous partner?

You being attractive; however now you need to tone it down, because it will attract unnecessary attention that is not safe for you and your partner.

You’re way too social and kind to random strangers, and you shouldn’t be; but then again, that is why they fell in love with you in the first place.

You need to check in hourly or every two hours, and you should keep your phone on you at all times, to answer any texts or calls incoming from them; but they fell in love with you because you were the only one that gave them their space and didn’t ones text them when you started to get to know each other.

You have to let them know where you are going and who you are going with before leaving always, even if you’re just going to buy groceries. Because according to them if you don’t then you weren’t at the groceries store, or else you would have told them; but they fell in love with you because they knew they can trust you and you had proven to be so compared to others.

You have to either face time or send them pictures of people you are with, and they tell you it’s because they love you and want to take part of every minute of your day; but when they got to know you, you had that busy life and social circle but you chose them out of all people.

They have full control over your social media posts and you might have had a beautiful day and all of a sudden they have a major mood swing and you have no idea why. But they know, they’ve seen a comment on your posts or a comment from you on someone else’s post and it made them furious; but before you got to know each other they knew how active you were and admired the way you interacted with all the people on your social media.

You also notice a lot of negative talk about close friends, family members, colleagues, clients etc. somehow they still have contact with some of them yet they have told you that you should completely cut them off because they are no good and/or insincere.

You start getting accused of possibly having interest in someone else in the middle of a disagreement claiming that your behaviour has changed so there has to be someone else.

And of course, no matter what it is all your fault, even if they’ve had a melt down or a tantrum and they’ve apologized, you still had at least some blame.

No, you didn’t, the only thing you could have done differently had you known:

Was to calmly address that you are not in control of their feelings, and you are not going to take blame for traits you have that you are proud of, and that you are not going to bring down your own self confidence to level up with theirs so that they can feel better about themselves, because as you must have noticed it was never enough.

So if they want to give the two of you a chance, they need to realize they are suffering from trust and control issues, which is making them perceive things in a very delusional way.

And that if they want to give this relationship a chance they have to start with reading some articles from sources written by Psychiatrists or other professionals in the field about jealousy.

Offer that you can both read the book/articles together.

Follow the advice and guidelines on how to carry the conversations when the emotions of jealousy arise.

And if that doesn’t work, and you still have it in you (you don’t have to, you might be exhausted already by now) offer to go to therapy together and heal with the guidance of a therapist, however they need to put in more hours of therapy than you and also do individual therapy, so that they can heal.

There might also be a lot of past traumas and you don’t need to know all of them, as they might be too personal and it also might be too much for you to handle on a short span of time.

If this is you in relationships, you have now read and gotten a clear understanding of how it is to live with you and why all your past relationships didn’t work out.

And why you keep attracting partners that are ‘unreliable’ and not trust worthy.

It wasn’t them, it was you and they left you or you might have left them, and then you saw them start new relationships, so in your mind you then told yourself:

“I was right all the time! I knew I couldn’t trust them…and I’m sure they were having a relationship with someone else while they were with me. My gut instinct never fails me.”

You’re wrong.

And your wrongs keep increasing for every failed relationship you have.

You keep getting more and more paranoid, you are trusting less and less people.

And eventually you will start attracting people that are emotionally unavailable and won’t take you seriously because that is the energy you are giving out.

But I will stop here for a second and remind you that you are deserving of a good and happy life.

A life of no worry, successful relationships and to be surrounded by good and honest people, a life that is filled with expressed love, laughter and not feeling threatened by other peoples strengths and accomplishments.

Therefor you owe it to yourself to heal, and you can. You just need to seek help and treat your past abandonment traumas that have caused the fear and insecurities you are struggling with. You need to heal the feelings that you aren’t good enough just the way you are, and that everyone that you believe is more accomplished than you, isn’t a threat to you.

You need to heal to start believing that everyone that actually began a relationship actually was in love with you and loved only you.

And if you look back at the early stages before you started to try to control everything you will see how much they did for you and how much they tried to make it work, by having the conversations that they did with you.

All the expressions of love that they showed you that you chose not to believe because you thought they were insincere.

And also look back and think why you chose those individuals to be your partner and why you fell in love with them.

And how you must have heard from all of them that:

You were too controlling, that you were irresponsible, that you were crossing your boundaries, that you were scaring them or hurting them.

And let’s not forget all the pain and suffering you have caused yourself.

You can end this right now by taking a paper and a pen and write:

“I suffer from abandonment and trust issues and I have unfairly and insensitively hurt people that I love because of that and more importantly I have been insensitive and hurt myself and as of today I will end this toxic cycle and I will start healing from it.

I will read some articles from sources recommended by mental health professionals and find a book that speaks to me, that is also written by a mental health professional writing about how to heal past traumas and PTSD or maybe even C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

I will, when I feel ready try to apologize to past relationships for behaving in ways that wasn’t fair to them and didn’t portray myself for the person that I really am (there is a lot of healing in doing so and speeds up the healing process rapidly).

I will not start another relationship until I’ve gone to see a therapist and been completely honest with the therapist about my thoughts and feelings and confessed how I was the person being the primary cause to ruining all of my relationships.

No one is to blame anymore as I will forgive myself I will also forgive others for the things I believe were their mistakes.

I will also forgive the one(s) that caused my initial feelings of abandonment and broke my trust, because them too must have suffered from past unresolved pain and/or trauma.”

Keep in mind that you might have been in relationships where the other partner also did you wrong but you can’t know now if it was triggered by your wrongful accusations and actions, you can’t expect others to react ‘right’ when you are doing them ‘wrong’.

There is great healing in forgiveness and understanding forgiveness.

As we look back and realize how we’ve hurt others because we were in pain we must realize others will make mistakes and hurt us as well because of their past pains.

As my favourite quote from Baba Ram Dass says: “We are all walking each other home”