Chapter 3 — Sydney

The contrast between Chicago and Sydney was so drastically symmetrical that Hazel found it to be almost amusing. For one thing, the weather is literally the opposite. She walks past the giant Christmas tree on Martin Place everyday to and from her office, trying to wrap her head around the fact that it is 28 degrees, while the sun is warm and bright at 8pm. She has been here for nearly a month, interning with an investment banking firm as an engineer, dealing with piles of code and trying her best to blend in with her well-suited, sophisticated co-workers.

Working in such role gave Hazel a compound feeling. On one hand she enjoyed being viewed as an elite of the society — a well-established young professional who seems to have it all figured out (superficial, yes), on the other hand she kept thinking whether she had become the kind of person her younger self used to despise the most. Working a corporate job, tempted to climb the ladder, writing lengthy emails, and gets excited about coffee breaks and catering events easily. Despite the ambivalence, she view this high-pressure internship in one of the most festive city during New Year holiday as a perfect opportunity to take her mind off what’s going on between her and Conor.

Although Hazel and Conor have split apart, they still talk over the phone. And Hazel has this strange feeling that they, to some extent, became more intimate since they don’t hold each other to such high standards anymore. Nevertheless, with feelings towards Conor remains, Hazel subconsciously knows she is going through one of the hardest times in her life. The days seemed to be shattered into discontinuous pieces — she could be putting her whole mind and heart into work during the day and suddenly bursted into tears in front of the laundry machine in the hotel suite her company provides for her accomodating in the evening. Sometimes on weekends, she just lie on the carpet in her room, trying to feel the sense of urgency to get up and drink some water as her body slowly dehydrates. It scares her that she couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to do so. She starts to wonder what would happen if she just lie there until she died of lack of water and food. She tries to look forward to something, she searched restlessly in her brain about the reason to get up to continue with her life: Christmas is coming, the project is not yet done, the interns are having a dinner at a fancy bar next week, New Year’s Eve should be fun… Despite all these events, she found herself in a point of life that she would have the least regret left behind if everything ends now. Without Conor, the world becomes a shimmering and bleak place, corrupted in its own beauty.

She and Conor talked a lot when they were driving his newly acquired Ford Escape around the highway of Detroit. What do you think my biggest problem is? Hazel asked. She tried to be as oblivious as she could by turning her head slightly towards the window so Conor would not be able to see her face. The long silenced that followed was not uncomfortable. Conor was always deliberate when making critiques, in a good way. The fields of bleakness by the highway rolled by, snow from a few days ago piled up on the road edge, the sky at dusk was grey with a faint shimmer of sunlight. Hazel still remembers the scene when she closes her eyes these days. A scene of steady, peaceful sadness. Conor kept his eyes on the road and hummed. I guess it’s you never look at what you have now. Hazel gave herself a moment to feel the sentence, and nodded. I think I know what you are talking about. Connor proceeded, you like to plan, but you never seems to be satisfied. What you are pursuing is always in the future. And that makes you blind from what’s happening now. Hazel remains silent, listening. Look, when you’re in Taiwan, you longed for moving to Australia and dreaded Taipei. But ever since you wanted to come to the US, you started complaining about Australia. There’s always pros and cons of your choice, and I feel like you always believe there’s a perfect answer that would solve all your problems. But in fact, there is no such answer. Eventually, You gotta live with something that you don’t like. It just how life works. Hazel turned to see Conor’s face, he was calmingly driving, and she could feel the warmness coming from the heated seat pad. It’s a brilliant feature for a car in such cold weather. She grinned. May I ask what changed? I remembered you being so confident about us. They are approaching the exit of the highway, the last bit of sun has sunk into the faraway mountain lines and the sky is getting dark. Conor indicated a right, the ticks of the blinker remind Hazel of those family trips where she would usually woke up to the same sound of her childhood car. The sound of a trip coming to an end. I think I don’t understand myself well enough at that time. She knew Conor was being genuine. Maybe next time I would not rush into it. Wise man said only fools rush in. Hazel thought to herself, despite hoping quite much that it was not true. Fair enough, she said as the car slid gently into the exit lane.

During Christmas and the New Year holiday, Sydney is flooded with worryless tourists flocking to the beaches. Hazel plays beach volleyball with some foreign students she met at Manly, goes to house parties and gets better in beer pong, ate an extensive amount of cheap gelatos. Conor called and texted a few times, he’s spending the holiday in New York, and it aches whenever Hazel thinks of the idea of New York. During the days it manifested into the metaphor of Conor’s glamorous and ideal American dream that she no longer takes part of. He sent pictures of view on top of the empire state building, “wish you were here”, he captioned. Hazel stops herself from responding nor thinking too much about those texts, she bears the urge of responding knowing too well that it would make her effort of moving on goes to waste.

On New Year’s Eve, Hazel watches the firework of Sydney harbour afar from a party cruise, the crowds are cheering along the fireworks and the DJ is booming beats she found too loud. Having been drinking for days, she could not enjoy the complimentary alcohol on the cruise. Everyone is either taking videos of the firework or kissing, in fact her friend is in the middle of the action with a stranger. Hazel finds the whole process to be peaceful, somehow, as if the festiveness has finally kicked in. The fireworks are blaring and the crowds are cheering, the summer breeze flicking her hair, and the year has just begun. She knows time is inevitably linear, but she likes to think that there are better timings to start over than others, and new year’s eves are one of those timings.

Later that night Conor called. They greet each other for the new year although in New York it’s still not yet midnight. Conor is on his way to Times Square. The one thing in common in New York and Sydney is they are both iconic destination for celebrating New Year’s Eves, which made this whole contrast thing even more intriguing, Hazel thought. They talked shortly about death of a salesman which he just watched, while Conor navigates himself through the bustling New York traffic. After saying good night, Hazel fell asleep almost immediately, despite the faint noises from the sleepless crowd down on the streets.

It is Hazel’s last weekend in Sydney. She has been busting herself to wrap up her internship project and brought it home (perhaps successfully) by delivering a well-rounded presentation to the higher management folks. On top of that, she just recovered from a cold that she got last week. She invited Lawrence she met at beach volleyball to hike along the coastline. The walk is 10 kilometres long, and they will pass through various local beaches until they reach their final destination which is, again, Manly. It is said to be the most scenic hike around Sydney. The saying turns out to be true. They are delighted by the constant change of terraces as the trail weaves in and out of shades and quiet beaches. They incline to a lookout point where she takes in the shimmering ocean embracing the curve if Manly beach.

They talk mainly about history and philosophy. Lawrence does most of the talking since Hazel is still recovering from her sore throat. You know when you regard extraordinary historic figures, I think that it is not themselves that are extraordinary. Lawrence tends to drag his tone while he’s trying to make a point. It is the time that is extraordinary. You see, there’s gonna be another prime minister that does the same thing if not Winston Churchill. Hazel lifts her eyebrows, she never though of it that way. That is an interesting way to put it. She starts to think whether all that happens for the past few months, between or not between Conor and her, is a product of timing regardless the people. The moment seizes us. Boyhood has been their favourite movie, and now she feels like she is in the ending, where Mason hikes in the sunset with his college friends after moving on from a relationship.

They are approaching the end of the trail, where the familiar wharf has come into sight. The setting sun melts into the horizon, dying the sea golden. There is a family of four playing catch on the beach. Lawrence is lashing his opinion on how marriages are equivalent to prisons, and Hazel is just watching the kids chasing the waves. She often imagines Conor sitting beside her watching scenes like this together, and she would share with him her opinions like the old days. For this case, she wouldn’t trade this particular moment for anything else, although her heart still aches for a bit when she thinks of the bleak, grey winter sky in Michigan.

Tomorrow she will be leaving Sydney, somehow it feels like an ending of an era. Pain still comes in at night like constant stubborn waves, but she has grown patience to wait until it mellows. They sit there for a little while more, until the last piece of gold is replaced by a darker blue. The silver bright moon rises, indicating that it’s gonna be a clear, warm night. The kids has gone home now, there are only a few people on the beach. On their back, the restaurants are busting with music and laughters. Hazel could smell the charcoal from their grill in the air.