I don’t want to be ordinary
I imagined and visualized that my life would be better after graduation. But I was wrong. I was too idealistic, believing I could execute all the plans I made and all the thoughts I imprinted in my mind. I had put my life on a pedestal as student. I used to plan my life meticulously, scheduling everything I did. I had backup plans from A+ to C to achieve my goals after college. I don’t want to be stuck in my comfort zone and because of peer pressure I get a job. All I could think about at that moment was having a job, to use it as a facade to stop other people, especially relatives, from questioning what my next steps would be after college. But I was left out — I felt doomed and zoned out. The eagerness to strive in life just left me. The motivation I used to feel every day is never the same anymore. Everything I do now feels unsatisfying.
The perfect reality I imagined was far from the reality itself.
Life is nostalgic — I remember when I arrived in Cubao; where I lived for about four and half months. It was cold, raining, and the thunder never stopped. I felt nervous, but I chose to walk after the rain stopped because I felt obligated to familiarize myself with the city — and how bad I am with direction because I lost in the road.
I will never forget my dad once told me, “After your schooling, you can do whatever you want in life. The bitterness and sweetness in life, you’ll know it all well.” He was right. After leaving my hometown, I realized that people never treat you the same way your parents do.
Then everything turned upside down — It’s true, that life humbles you — when I got work, I was too ashamed to ask my parents for money just to eat my favorite food. Never in my life did I expect to have calluses on my feet until I walked from San Juan to Cubao just to save a penny in my pocket for tomorrow. I was nervous during my first ride on the MRT — my knees were trembling, my heart pounded badly, and I was almost out of breath after fighting for a spot on the train.
God knows my parents never pressured me to get a job; it’s within me. Their support could lead me to doubt myself, not giving my best, and the pressure of their kindness might lead me to fail — not just myself, but them.
It has wrecked me. I don’t want to remain like this; I don’t want to be ordinary. I know I can do more, I am capable of more than this — I want it to achieve so badly. But it feels like I am trap out here, and I can’t find where to start to find way back home to existence.
