Alone and Lonely
Tim has been out of town on business for the past week. He goes away on business once a year. It’s always around the end of July and it’s a crazy time for him. His back seems to always be acting up before he goes and when he returns his schedule is swiss cheesed with tennis playoffs. This year, it’s particularly crazy because Emma starts college next Saturday. So, Tim arrived home yesterday on the redeye from San Diego, took a quick nap, and then headed out for a penultimate trip to Cape Cod with Emma and Cole. The Cape is a ritual for these three and this will be the final trip where the kids are still kids. Sure to be a bittersweet time.
So, I’ve been home alone since last Monday and, by the time Tim and the kids get home, it will be a long 8 night stretch of time alone. I’m going to actually reach into the depths of my memory banks and wonder if this may be the longest stretch of time I’ve been 100% on my own save for a business trip? Sounds impossible but it may be true. I’m thinking now out loud onto the internet and cataloging the alone time I’ve had.
Does college count? I’m going to say no. At college you have roommates and are pervasively surrounded by people and action. So, no, college doesn’t count. And after college, I’m going to say no, once again. I had a roommate straight out of college and moved in with my first husband Thomas within a year of arriving in Boston. So, no. It was a quick courtship and then I was married for 20 years. And in that 20 years, there are days here and there of alone time when I was away on business over a weekend, perhaps. I’ve made trips to visit people, on my own but then I was clearly not alone.
Here I am at 52 alone for 8 nights in a row and I’m pretty sure that’s the longest time I’ve been on my own. I can hear my mother clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth over this. My sociologist, Marriage and the Family teaching mother was always a proponent of being alone to find yourself and know your path in life. I’m going to have to push back, though, and say that while I have not been alone-on-my-own for a short stretch of even 8 days I can say that I have been very much alone for big chunks of time. Alone with my kids but alone. Years of being alone with two teenagers and four dogs and I can say with surety that is different from being alone-on-your-own.
So, what a gift of time. I’ve had time to be alone. To be lonely. To be bored To be utterly not bored. To just be. To sit. To not sit. To eat when I want. If I want. How I want and what I want. To talk with the dogs, dance in my room, swim in the pool, sleep and wake as I wish. I feel like I’m on my very own staytreat in the parlance of our times when people no longer vacation but instead staycation. And I think it’s the same driver that has people doing staycation over vacations. The need to not be in constant motion. To not be tasked.
I wrote a blog entry a long time ago on a day that I a spent at home, sick in bed, and all the things that I did when I was on my own. You can find it here if you are interested (http://jennylawton.typepad.com/as_yet_unpublished/2005/03/index.html). And I’m reminded of that time, in a funny way, because I’ve been enjoying just playing with my time.
I have plenty to do. That’s different from spending time with yourself, though. I wanted to make sure that during these 8 days that I didn’t just check things off of my eternal list of things to do. I’ve had calls with people about what they are doing in life, I’ve been staying up with my e-mail and I’ve had plenty to do around the house. I made a long list yesterday of what I need to do next week, when life as I know it resumes, and there’s plenty to keep me busy. But this week was a week for me to do as I wish. I’ve been writing. Walking with the dogs. Swimming. Watching the DNC. I spent a day in the city ultimately trapped in a huge storm. I’ve done laundry. Cleaned the house. Made pickles. Organized closets. Watered plants. Gone to town hall. Researched all sorts of thought threads. Spent a day with Emma helping her sort out her room and finalizing her packing for college. Mostly, I’ve just been.
Yesterday, I got lonely. I don’t often feel lonely — I think both because I keep busy and also because I’m usually engaging with people and things meaningfully. Even when I’m in a packed room and feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, I have enough connection to not be lonely. But last night, I was lonely. And so, I sat with that for a bit and pondered why. Why was I not just alone but lonely? I was surrounded by dogs. I’d talked with Tim and Thomas and Nick and had lunch with a friend. Like getting bored, the loneliness passed. It was fleeting loneliness and I went back to being alone. I decided that it’s as important to get lonely as it is to get bored. Both require digging deep inside to point yourself in a direction of engagement that finds you now not lonely and bored. And I find that deeply satisfying to realize that I am now no longer where I was.
I’m so grateful to be able to take time. Grateful that I’m able to grant myself the time without judgement. Grateful that Tim is as happy to have me join him with his kids on their adventure yet grateful, at the same time, for a final trip with his kids and have it be all theirs. My kids are both at a point in life where I feel like they are babies all over again — stepping out, hard, into independent adult lives and building experiences and partnerships and careers and wow is that a great feeling. Our three dogs are faithful companions and how amazing it’s been to spend time with them. Our most recent addition, Sunny, follows me around and lays at my feet as I do things. All three of them run away with reckless abandon and turn back up at the front door in ten minutes, with tongues out, covered in the debris of the woods with paws amuck.
The peace of having a day unfold and just being in that day is my biggest takeaway. I want to learn how to let my days unfold and being present within that time even as I have busy-ness and people around me. And to be able to be alone. Be bored. Be lonely. And be okay.
