Help!! My partner is a workaholic!- Part 1
All relationships require work. But there’s plenty couples can do to make it easier for both parties. One of the biggest difficulties couples face is how to carve out time during our plentiful busy lives for romance, intimacy, and other types of bonding. This strain can be extremely harmful to romantic and parental relationships. This article is for you if you’re dating or married to someone who you feel dedicates an obscene portion of his mind, body, and spirit to just work i.e
i. Mind- They’re always thinking about work
ii. Body- They’re always at work. Or working even while at home
iii. Spirit-They’re emotionally unavailable
I once dated such a person. The dilemma I had was as a professional, his dedication to his profession and work was very admirable. But as time went by, I had to keep asking for more ‘us’ time and it started feeling like I was fighting against another ‘woman’. Only that this woman was his work. Sometimes I would stop and wonder if maybe I was the lazier one who didn’t work as hard as he did. But never did the word ‘workaholic’ ever come up in our many arguments as I tried to warn him about how his work was eating up his time to do other things, including spending time with his family or me. The worst thing was that he never saw his work addiction as a problem. He didn’t understand why I got mad half the time. So finally after the breakup, I chose to find out more about work addiction and hopefully, the information I gathered will help anyone out there identify and help colleagues, bosses, spouses, and maybe ourselves prevent and overcome work addiction. Turns out, I wasn’t the only lonely girlfriend in town and I even found tips on dating such a guy and, more importantly, discovered how serious the issue is than most people care to admit and some remedies for the condition.
Work addiction is an unrestrained, unfulfillable internal demand for constant engagement in work and a corresponding inability to relax. A person with work addiction, a “workaholic,” is incessantly driven, and relentlessly active. For some work addicts, inactivity or activity other than work gives rise to guilt, anxiety, or emptiness. Some individuals view work as the only area where they can establish and maintain their identities, feel effective, and enjoy feelings of importance, validation, and affirmation. Others may use work to counteract underlying feelings of inadequacy and ineffectiveness. In either case, the workaholic cannot rest.
Working passionately, long and hard, and deriving satisfaction, does not make someone a work addict. Check this article for the difference between work addicts and high performers. An addiction is something you can’t do without. Those addicted to alcohol or drugs feel as if they cannot do without them. Likewise, the person who relies on work to maintain comfort or a sense of worth becomes addicted. People with work addiction have to work constantly, even on weekends, and during whatever vacations they permit themselves.
For these individuals, however, the relentless pursuit of work and the attainment of material gain do not result in pleasure.
Like other addictions, work addiction affects the workaholic’s social life and restricts his or her freedom and happiness. Excessive work allows workaholics to withdraw from relationships, manipulate relationships by limiting their availability, or regulate relationships to manage expectations.
Individuals who are truly addicted to work do not find great pleasure in the work itself. Like other compulsions, work addiction is an attempt to regulate one’s feelings and self-esteem.
While the idea of work addiction may seem like an exaggerated way to describe an overambitious person, work addiction is a real mental health condition recognized by medical professionals. Like any other addictive behavior, work addiction is the inability to stop working. It often stems from a compulsive need to achieve financial or professional status or to escape emotional stressors the individual cannot cope with when not working. Significant career success often perpetuates work addiction and is common in individuals who have perfectionist tendencies. Much like a drug addict, a work addict achieves a “high” from engaging in work and is unable to stop his behavior, despite negative consequences to his personal life or mental health.
Experts say the incessant work-related activity masks anxiety, low self-esteem, and intimacy problems. As with addictions to alcohol, drugs, or gambling, workaholics’ denial and destructive behavior will persist despite feedback from loved ones or danger signs such as deteriorating relationships. Poor health is another warning sign. Because there’s less of a social stigma attached to workaholism than to other addictions, health symptoms can easily go undiagnosed or unrecognized, say researchers.
As with other psychological addictions, workaholics often cannot see that they have a problem. Confronting the workaholic will generally be met with denial. Co-workers, family members, and friends may need to engage in some type of intervention to communicate the effects of the workaholic’s behavior on them. Indeed, mental treatment to cure a workaholic can successfully reduce the hours spent on the job, while increasing the person’s productivity. Studies show that fully recovered former workaholics can accomplish in 50 hours what they previously couldn’t do in 80.
Work addiction, which has given rise to the term “workaholic” for those who experience this addiction, occurs when a person’s desire to work becomes an obsession. A work addict often gets to the point where he or she does not even work to complete a necessary task or for monetary or career reward, but rather to fulfill a psychological need to work. A workaholic often reaches a stage in which the quality of his or her work becomes unsatisfactory, and his or her career may suffer as a result.
Addiction to work is classified as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and it is also a behavioral addiction. A combination of thoughts that become mind-encompassing obsessions, and compulsive behavior that results from a desire to satisfy the obsessive thoughts characterizes obsessive-compulsive disorders. A person addicted to work becomes obsessed with the very idea of work to the point of developing anxiety whenever he or she is not working. Therefore, work addicts continue to work regardless of whether their work is necessary and regardless of the quality of the work performed. A workaholic may well be physically too tired to complete tasks properly but will nevertheless keep on working to chase away the anxiety that an absence of work will cause.
Signs of Work Addiction
Especially in today’s competitive environment, where employers, clients, and competitive colleagues create an atmosphere in which seemingly excessive work is required to get ahead, a desire to overwork is not always equivalent to work addiction. This is especially the case when work is connected to a particular talent and interest; the budding violin soloist who spends hours practicing to perform for international audiences is indeed dedicated to a goal in life and is probably not in danger of developing an addiction to work. An associate at a law firm whose goal is to earn a partnership in the firm knows that this requires long hours. While his or her lack of time for socializing may appear to be a sign of work addiction, the associate knows that this effort is but a sacrifice that needs to be made to achieve an important goal in life.
On the other hand, a professional who has already achieved a great deal of career success, yet never feels satisfied unless he or she is occupied with real or exaggerated professional responsibilities, may be a work addict. Work addiction is especially likely for those whose social patterns change over some time, to the point that a lawyer who was once interested in opera or skiing can no longer enjoy either activity and instead cuts short a ski vacation or skips an opera for which tickets have already been purchased in favor of another long night at the office.
If someone has ever accused you of being a work addict, check the following signs;
· Long hours at the office, even when not necessary
· Losing sleep to engage in work projects or finish tasks
· Obsession with work-related success
· Intense fear of failure at work
· Paranoia about work-related performance
· Disintegration of personal relationships because of work
· Defensive attitude toward others about behavior
· Use of work as a way to avoid human relationships, or life crises like death, divorce, or financial trouble
· Preoccupation with work; constant thoughts or even discussions about work issues at inappropriate times
· Withdrawal from social activities
· Loss of interest in hobbies or other enjoyable activities
· Working despite a need for sleep or even food
· Working when extremely tired or even when ill
· Loss of ability to relax
· Inability to trust colleagues or subordinates to do work that they can perform on your behalf
Check Part 2 for stages of addiction, self-evaluation questions, and some remedies.
