【書】Nina LaCour《We Are Okay》— 關於孤獨，關於悲傷
I was okay just a moment ago. I will learn how to be okay again.
故事簡介：Marin與她祖父兩人相依為命，當她的祖父去世，Marin拋下一切，逃到紐約讀大學。但她的（前）好友Mabel在聖誕節時造訪孤身一人在宿舍的Marin，她因此得面對促使她離家的原因。
這本書講悲傷、談孤獨，還有「愛」，特別是關於愛一位你或許並不了解的人。薄薄一本書，讀完卻覺得心有些沈重。
在讀之前就知道這是一本以角色為重（character-driven）的書，不過Marin是一位很能讓人relate的角色，因此我讀的時候並不會覺得沒有「劇情」很無聊。作者花了很多心力在寫Marin面對悲傷時的茫然失措，還有忍受孤獨時的思緒。藉由Marin，她呈現悲傷可能會有的樣貌，有時會激烈的像火，有時則是靜靜地、緩緩地將人吞噬。讀這本書時，我感覺像是慢慢地被帶進Marin的世界裡，回過神時已經全然沈浸在故事之中。
我喜歡作者創造出的氛圍：故事先從下著雪，無比安靜的宿舍開始；Marin的回憶則帶讀者到離海很近，熱鬧的舊金山，兩座城市間的反差顯現出「悲傷」是如何改變Marin的世界。這樣的改變不只撼動Marin的生活，還有她週遭的人。
作者將青春少女Marin與Mabel間的互動描述得閃閃發亮，套用書中的用詞，真的是magical。然而在紐約時，兩人的相處卻有些尷尬，彼此都知道無法回到暑假時的關係。這中間我覺得因素也很多 — — 因為悲傷、失去，或是單純長大了，看世界的眼光不再單純了。不過作者在結尾給了一點慰藉：是的，她們不再以戀愛的角度相愛，這點很可惜，但她們能找到新的相處方式，她們之間還是有「愛」的。They are okay.
書名《We Are Okay》我覺得除了指Marin與Mabel，也能用於描寫Marin與祖父的關係。祖父過世後，Marin的世界在一夕之間改變，而她也得重新認識祖父到底是誰。只是，加州的陽光不會因為她搬到紐約而消失，Marin需要時間去消化祖父的秘密，不過總有一天，他們會是ok的。They will be okay.
更重要的是，Marin也將學會與悲傷共存。或許她需要時間，或許她有時會覺得太過沮喪、好似沒有希望，但她還是能遇到稍稍點亮她生活的光。作者寫悲傷、寫孤寂，也寫快樂與幸福。三個月前的Marin無法想像她此刻的生活，因此，誰知道三個月後會發生什麼事呢？Someday, we will be okay.
I could say the night felt magical, but that would be embellishment.
That would be romanticization.
What it actually felt like was life.
I wonder if there’s a secret current that connects people who have lost something. Not in the way that everyone loses something, but in the way that undoes your life, undoes your self, so that when you look at your face it isn’t yours anymore.
What I mean is don’t be a person who seeks out grief. There is enough of that in life.
I thought that it was more likely the opposite. I must have shut grief out. Found it in books. Cried over fiction instead of the truth. The truth was unconfined, unadorned. There was no poetic language to it, no yellow butterflies, no epic floods. There wasn’t a town trapped underwater or generations of men with the same name destined to make the same mistakes. The truth was vast enough to drown in.
Life is paper-thin and fragile. Any sudden change could rip it wide-open.
It’s a dark place, not knowing.
It’s difficult to surrender to.
But I guess it’s where we live most of the time. I guess it’s where we all live, so maybe it doesn’t have to be so lonely. Maybe I can settle into it, cozy up to it, make a home inside uncertainty.
