The best Indian relationship hack

transcribed from my stand-up comedy set


So as was said previously, I’m originally from Finland and live here in India now because I’m set to marry an Indian guy next year.

But now you guys, hands up, if you have a girlfriend or a wife. No one? Your aunties must be doing a crappy job at match-making. You might as well give me a try.

Let’s take an easier one. Hands up, if you think women often worry and stress out way too much. Haha, y’all can join the club with my fiancé. He needs the moral support.

It’s not my fault though! I’ve told him some past “user reviews”. My ex always told me I was the sweetest girl in the world. But when I got tired or hungry, I turned into the crankiest bitch in the whole world. And I was always tired and hungry, he said. So instead of nagging about my crankiness, my fiancé should always just bring me a big pot of biryani.

Okay, maybe it’s a bit my fault too. Margaret Atwood once said war is what happens when language fails. And it took me over two years to learn how to say main bhookhee hoon — I’m hungry.

He’s always telling me I should just chill and relax. “Do yoga. Meditate. Smoke some ganja.” But that’s really crappy advice! I mean, weed gives me panic attacks. So that leaves me with yoga and meditation.

Facebook keeps asking me what I think about it being the International Yoga Day this week. Well, as I am in the world centre of yoga and just suffered several days of dehydration and food poisoning, doing the cat-cow pose in the toilet, I’d say: “ommmm FUCK YOU!”

But seriously, yoga is amazing. I probably should’ve done a bit of that before this show.

People always talk about a zen state of mind, but I prefer calling it the omm state of mind. Just the other day, I was leaving yoga. I was calm, happy and all that omm, when a bird pooped on my head! I mean, seriously! At least I didn’t start crying and shouting like I usually do.

I’ve been together with my fiancé for 2,5 years now, and we live together. I’d say I’ve learned a lot about the Indian way of relationships and marriage, what makes them work and last, even with a cranky bitch like me. People always say divorce rates are so low here in India, because of the social stigma and women being treated as men’s property. But I strongly disagree!

It boils down to 3 things:

  1. Unconditional love. I mean, it is true love, when my boyfriend asks me — a firangi girl — if I want to learn how to drive a scooter, in the middle of the busy Indian traffic, without any helmets or any body armour. Talk about self-sacrifice there, am I right!
  2. Trust. When I say I trust my boyfriend completely, I mean that trust is me sharing my food with him and knowing that when I ask if he wants the last piece of paneer tikka or the last cookie, he will always say fifty-fifty.
  3. Lastly, the most important Indian relationship hack. Living in India with traditional Indian squat toilets, we never ever have to fight about him leaving the toilet seat up!