How to Lose 15% of Your Body Weight in 6 Easy Steps

Last year I wrote this fun little article about how I had grown fat, old, and pre-diabetic. Since then I’ve lost 15% of my body weight in the following six easy steps. You can do it too!

1. Have a baby. Babies wake you up at 5:30 am every day giving you plenty of happy new morning time to exercise. Babies also force you to get out of your basement and interact with other parents, causing the special weight loss emotions of jealously, envy, and vanity to kick in.

2. Do special weight loss exercises. Special weight loss exercises come in lots of different forms. Here’s how you know you’re doing one: you’re sweating terribly, you can’t breathe, and you absolutely hate what you’re doing and you want to quit. You have to do these exercises just about every day.

3. Never eat delicious foods. The most delicious foods in the world are pizza and cheeseburgers. Simply never eat these ever again. Also, never go to the greatest restaurant in the world — McDonald’s.

4. Eat the worst tasting and most boring foods possible. These include broccoli, whole grains, high fiber stuff, and salmon. You’ll know you’re eating the right foods if you’re still hungry when you’re done eating and you think, “Boy, I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.”

5. Stop drinking alcohol. Sure, a cold beer goes great with watching a football game, going to the beach, or having a cook out. But the only cold one you’ll be cracking open will be a pomegranate flavored seltzer water. Hey, it has bubbles like beer. Delicious full-flavored sodas are also never to be consumed.

6. Continuously increase steps 1–5. Cheery little studies like this one show that between 80–98% of people who lose 10% of their body weight regain the weight eventually. Turns out your body has fun ways of regaining all the weight you lost through hormonal, metabolic, and even taste bud changes. So you’ll need to continuously reduce your daily caloric intake until all you eat is a packet of Sweet and Low sprinkled on a lemon wedge.

Since this is sure to become the latest weight loss craze I’ll need to think of a catchy name. I’m thinking of calling it, “The Suffering Six.”

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