How I Ended Up Dependent on a Man
I wasn’t supposed to end up dependent on a man. I was born in 1967 and became an adult in the late 1980’s, coming to maturity during the peak of the second wave of feminism.
While the first wave of feminists fought for suffrage, this second wave focused on political and social inequalities. They were the pioneers for women’s liberation. The birth control pill became available in the 1960’s, freeing women from many unplanned pregnancies.
They fought for equal opportunities in education in the workplace.
While the Equal Rights Amendment had not passed, things were moving in the right direction.
Microwave ovens and convenience foods had shortened time spent in the kitchen. My friends and I were raised to believe we could do anything and everything; we would have careers equal to our male counterparts while also raising children in a more hands-on manner than our parents had done.
My household mirrored society at large. When I was still young, my mother went back to school to get first her Masters in Public Health and then a PhD in epidemiology. In between, she had several part-time and then full-time jobs. When she finished her degree, she became the head of the epidemiology department for Harris County. A powerful position for a powerful woman. Everyone pitched in around the house. My brothers and I all helped cook meals for the family and clean the house. My dad also cooked and did the laundry. It was a given that I would attend college and pursue a professional career. I was a feminist by default. I was taught I could have it all. And I believed it. So did all of my friends.
It was the early 70’s, and my friends and I were raised to believe we could do anything and everything
This doesn’t mean I was naïve about the reality of life for many women. I knew there were single mothers trapped in poverty. I understood that not everyone had my opportunities, and I worked to improve the situation. I marched for reproductive rights in our state capital. I only voted for pro-choice candidates. I even volunteered for clinic defense when pro-lifers descended on Houston during the Republican National Convention in the early 1990’s. We formed human chains to keep the protestors away while quietly offering safe escorts to the women seeking care in these clinics. By that time, I was in medical school. I was on track to have a successful professional career while still hoping to marry and raise a family.
So what changed?
I married during my residency in pediatric medicine. He was from a more traditional family than I was; his mother had only had a part-time job and no advanced education. She did all the household chores while her husband went to work to provide for the family. My father-in-law made the important decisions. But my husband wasn’t like his dad. He was proud to marry another doctor and someone on track to have a successful career. We both wanted children, but we didn’t think it would alter the balance of our relationship. I had my first son one year after starting in private practice. And from that time on, things slowly changed. The changes were so insidious, and at least initially, by my choice, so it was only 22 years later that I realized I had the lifestyle that my mother’s generation had fought so hard to avoid. I had become financially, and in some ways, emotionally, stuck in a bad marriage, completely dependent on a man for my well-being.
I chose to work part-time after my son was born. I loved having the opportunity to be his primary caretaker. We were only apart four hours three days a week; I still practiced medicine, so I was intellectually engaged and had a foot in the door to return if I chose. After my second child was born, there were changes in the medical environment in Las Vegas, leading me to take several years away from work entirely.
I did eventually return to work, part-time again, enabling me to be home with my children when they got out of school. I thought I had the best of both worlds. I still worked in my profession and I was a full-time mother. My husband had an excellent job and good health insurance so I didn’t see a reason to return to work full-time. As a part-time employee, I did not have to take night calls or rounds in the hospitals.
Most of my friends were in similar situations. They had college degrees and even PhDs, but most stayed home or worked only part-time. We thought having the right to choose not to work was a feminist decision.
I was busy with childcare and cooking as well as work, so I never questioned my husband’s decision to manage our finances. I had been perfectly capable of managing a budget and paying my bills when I was single. But I turned this side of life over completely to him. It didn’t seem sexist or foolish at the time, just convenient.
When I was working, I had my paychecks for my separate expenses; most of the major household expenses came from our joint account which my husband’s paycheck supported. When I wasn’t working, he would transfer money into my account as needed. He was particular about checking every expense, but that seemed to be a prudent decision based on his frequent discovery of fraud on our credit card, rather than a controlling act.
But sometimes, a voice in my head, even at the beginning, would tell me it was also a form of control.
I learned to pay cash for things so he wouldn’t ask about them. It just seemed easier that way.
Looking back, it seems an obvious red flag, but at the time things were good, and I ignored the warning bells.
Fast forward to the present day.
My children grew up. I was still working only part-time. And a pandemic hit. Suddenly, I was home full-time. My part-time job became almost non-existent. My children were back in the house, but they didn’t need my attention regularly. And the marriage started to show many cracks I had been ignoring for some time.
I realized that over the years of me allowing my husband to be in control, he had lost respect for me as an equal person. His deep insecurity about having enough — demonstrated through hoarding and miserliness — was causing problems for us.
That’s when I realized I was stuck. I had no income. I didn’t have a good understanding of our finances other than knowing we had enough money and we shouldn’t have to worry.
I was having a hard time finding new work at my age after so many years of putting my career on the back burner. And, probably worst of all, I had destroyed my self-worth by allowing myself to get in this position.
I was supposed to be modern, independent, and a feminist. I ended up no different than a 1950s housewife.
I am working on rebuilding my self-esteem. I am looking for full-time work so I can have the option to exit my marriage. It is not an easy journey back. I am also lucky. I have the privilege of economic stability for the time being. I have the support of my parents and my adult children who are all on my side. I have a good education. I did keep my license active.
Many of my friends were not so lucky. They didn’t work at all while they raised their children. When their marriages failed, they had no useful job skills to market. Many more women are in much more dire straits with no savings to fall back on and no good job skills.
We need to teach our daughters that while feminism should include making the choices that are right for them, they should also consider the long-term consequences. No one can really do it all, but opting out of work comes with a price. Not every marriage is happily ever after. Financial education should be mandatory for all and staying on top of the family finances essential.
Universal childcare and health insurance are feminist causes. Childcare makes continuing to work a viable option for all women. Universal health insurance allows women to leave an unsuccessful job or marriage without worrying about how they will care for themselves and their children. And most importantly, be aware that a loss of self-worth can happen with only insidious changes. I have found that connecting with other women that support me is one important tool to help me find my way back.
