Intergender Communication

I recently attended a seminar hosted by my employer about intergender communication. The objective was to explore the differences between how men and women frame messages, listen, and make decisions at work. It was a high-level discussion and this post will be as well: I apologize in advance for generalizing and for the lack of comments about how individuals with other identities communicate. Still, I believe there are valuable insights to share from the seminar and I hope that by doing so you’ll become a better communicator at work.

First, it’s important to establish the core goals of most men and women in the workplace. Per the seminar’s instructor, men are most concerned with status, whereas, women are most concerned with connecting. That “status” goal causes men to frequently choose to make decisions independently. Women, on the other hand, want to “connect,” and so will focus on making decisions by consensus. These differing objectives don’t just cause friction when men and women make decisions, but also when they give feedback and cope with stress.

During a meeting or otherwise, men often respond to suggestions from their coworkers in a direct and impatient way. Women’s focus on relationships, however, so this leads them to listen more closely and ask their coworkers questions about the suggestion. In addition, because of their desire to be perceived as competent, men tend to cope with stress by withdrawing themselves from the situation so they can think. This clashes with the tendency of women to want to get together to talk about how to solve the problem/stressor.

While none of the above are right or wrong viewpoints, failing to concern yourself with how your coworkers prefer to communicate is. Therefore, the first step towards communicating successfully across genders at work is realizing that there are differences, and then educating yourself on what they are. In short, men have a core goal of “status” in the workplace and prefer directness, brevity, and concise language. Women, on the other hand, tend to prefer discussion, developing relationships, and listening, because their core goal is to “connect.”