I Saw This And Didn’t Think Of You: Why I’m Not Buying You Something For Your Birthday

The Christmas trees and tinsel have been down for a while and we can breathe again for perhaps another few months before the hype starts all over again. But then there’s Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, all lining up, demanding that we think of the perfect gift for our loved ones, or otherwise be branded thoughtless assholes who don’t know how to show affection.

But what is this calendar-based gift-giving really about? Why do we fixate on these culturally-mandated occasions and then frantically jump onto Amazon and wade through streams of random products to find something we can hurriedly thrust into the hands of our friends and family?

Admit it: most of the time you half-ass it and pick some generic bestselling item that has as much connection with your relationship to the recipient as Donald Trump does to humility.

It’s as genuine as someone ordering you to kiss your partner. Yes, you might love them, but being told by an outside authority to demonstrate it makes the whole thing a performance rather than a genuine in-the-moment expression.

So what if we change our attitude to gift-giving, and try to recapture some of the spontaneity of the kiss or the hug that you suddenly feel you have to give?

What if, when we notice a card or an object in everyday life which reminds us of someone we love, we buy that thing, or even just take a photo of it, and send it to them in that moment. Don’t save it, don’t put it in the cupboard until society tells you it’s ‘appropriate’ to gift it. Pick it up now and show that person you were thinking of them — that they’re part of your emotional life and that you value their presence in it.

Or don’t even go the material route: take a photo of something beautiful (a sunset, a forest, some street art) and share it with them. Better still, why not cook them something? Sharing an experience with someone is at the heart of what makes us human: we are social animals and we thrive on feeling part of the same mental and emotional world as the people around us.

Gifts like these have far more impact. They are a truer, more generous gesture than jumping through the hoops of the gift-giving calendar. ‘I saw this and thought of you’ is one of the most beautiful things to hear from another person (well, assuming they don’t hate you and like sending photographs of dog shit; let’s hope not).

Gift-giving is about both sides of the relationship, too – it’s not simply about making someone else feel happy. Giving something special to someone you care about is also a gift to yourself — the enjoyment of expressing how you feel (and being vulnerable enough to show it) shouldn’t be underrated.

Some people claim this is selfish — that doing something that feels good is ultimately always self-serving. But that’s both short-sighted and denies our basic human nature. We get joy from sharing with other people and from performing little rituals that demonstrate our connection.

The trick, though, is never to bring expectation and obligation into the picture. A gift given freely — for the joy of expressing how you feel about someone — is completely different if the same thing is given with strings attached, and that includes both social obligation and the need for a particular reaction. If the real message behind the gift is ‘I want/need something back’, it’s not a gift at all – it’s a Trojan Horse; unlike the citizens of Troy, most people can sense when a needy-ness trap is being laid.

So how about it? Next time you spot something that brings a smile to your face and reminds you of someone you care about, let them know. See what happens.

Tear up your gift-giving calendar and show the people you care about how you feel when you feel it.