The solution to shorts
There has to be a better way.
My legs are pins. Not ‘pins’ like you say when a beautiful, languorous woman walks past; actual pins that you stick in a noticeboard. This is not a problem when you live in a city like London, but it is a problem when you live in a city like London and it’s summer. British men often don’t show their legs, primarily because the vast majority of them have skinny twigs like yours truly. But after weeks of relentless sunshine and baking heat, they’ve given up. Pins are everywhere. So are twigs (those are arms, by the way), though thongs will probably never quite make it. Probably because in England, thongs mean something very different.
I have always maintained the warmer weather treats women better. Skirts, summer dresses, crops, sarongs, slides and singlets all look great on pretty much everyone. Men, on the other hand, can’t cool down without actually dressing down. The Italians and French have tried, what with the linen shirts and chinos, but the fact of the matter is not all of us dress like we’re commanding a yacht or buying a villa in Puglia when we just want to go and grab the newspaper.
So, fine: the modern man has a summer silhouette problem. But arguably more importantly, in 2018 the modern man also has a toxic masculinity problem. We’re breaking down what it is to be a man and how we navigate the peripheries rather than subscribe to a one-dude-fits-all model. And that’s not in the crappy, metrosexual fashion when everyone thought wearing pink suddenly made you edgy, but in acknowledging that some men need to cry, some men like musicals and god damn, some men are sick of shorts.
A couple of years ago, back when he was only mildly offensive, Kanye West started rocking a skirt in public. I remember it being a huge deal, and really hoped it would catch on. It did, if you shopped Marc Jacobs couture for about two minutes in 2016, but that was pretty much it. Kanye, who famously sweats about as much as I do after I attempt any form of serious physical exercise, was onto something. Shorts, he realised, will never make a man look good, unless he is in peak physical form. Even then, you kind of look like you’re still in school — or Angus Young, which is kind of the same thing. Shorts are infantalising just as tank tops are laughable if you don’t eat chicken for breakfast, but they’re the only thing we’ve got.
Forget London and think about Australia, where sun shines eternal and regular men attend regular weekend activities trying not to soak a nice oxford or sear their genitalia in jeans on a summer afternoon. I have worn shorts to work in the summer months for the past five years and let me tell you, the attitude hasn’t changed. I’m well aware that this could easily be seen as the new height of white male privilege, but how good would it be to wear a swishy, airy garment to office and not look like a bell-end? Surely I’m not the only one thinking this. Vogue seems to be on the same wavelength. There are hairier, sweatier blokes out there, who ride on the bus longer and work in places with no air conditioning.
Right now, it’s 31 degrees and I’m looking at harem pants on ASOS. But I’m also trying to find — and keep — a full time job. There has to be a better way.
This is the first in a series of columns on London life, culture and style.
