In Other Election News: Humor Failure on April 1st

It’s hard to tell these days if the press is taking advantage of the date being April first… or if it’s been April Fool’s Day ever since the first presidential candidate’s hat landed in the electoral ring.

For example:

The NY Daily News tells us John Kasich’s chances of becoming the most powerful man on the planet have evaporated because he was seen eating pizza (gasp!) the wrong way.

Yes indeedy — the News shows presidential hopeful Kasich stabbing at a pepperoni slice with a fork at Gino’s Pizzeria and Restaurant in Queens, thereby alienating New Yorkers everywhere, and so leaving him and his presidential chances dead in the water.

Mildly amusing. Perhaps.

ABC News may or may not be joking when informing us that Ted Cruz, previously adored by crossover artist — sorry, now artiste — Caitlin Jenner, no longer has his or her support and is, he or she says, totally misinformed on issues that are more important to him or her than they seem to be to him. That’s present him, not previously him. As it were.

Republicans? “They’re not my people if they’re against this issue,” said Jenner when discovering that candidate Ted Cruz opposes equality for transgender people.

A possible smile. He or she should have thought of that. Or maybe it should have been both of them. Who’s to say?

Hillary Clinton (she whose husband, says Rare.us without a trace of irony, would vote for Bernie Sanders) might just be feeling a little less relaxed about life and the possibility of avoiding indictment, judging from certain recent less-than-complimentary remarks made about the previous eight years under Obama.

That’s figuratively speaking, of course, as opposed to literally underneath him… but then again, if Bill can do it, then so can — oh, never mind. It’s what the Washington Times says, at any rate. Could it be that any presidential protection deal re: that naughty little email server situation has gone awry?

Up to now Mrs. Clinton has been saying that she neither sent nor received anything “marked classified” at the time. But then again, according to the Times, documents aren’t marked “classified” anyway: they’re either “confidential,” “secret” or “top secret.”

Slightly more amusing. Maybe. But national security? What national security?

And as far as April first japes and jests go, CBS News Sunday Morning tells us that Megyn Kelly says that the Donald is “absolutely welcome” on her show “The Kelly File”. She didn’t go into why she isn’t exactly Trumpty Dumpty’s favorite person other than saying “I think it’s very clear to him that he cannot control the editorial on my show, or from me, in a debate or other setting”.

Potential for mild snickers here. Trump, thinking he can’t control something?

But then again, she’s not exactly earning peanuts and therefore it could be her behind the appearance of a beautifully-carved — and very expensive-looking — tombstone that suddenly appeared, the Washington Examiner tells us, in Central Park not so very long ago.

Now that’s amusingly original. Except whoever it was had “Make America hate again” carved on it… and that’s been happening for far too long, now.

We would have been told if there had been anyone beneath that stone, but it would have been highly unlikely to have been the owner of the name carved into it.

Said name belongs to one very-much-alive Donald (“Foreign policy? “I’m speaking with myself, No1, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things”) Trump who, as well as Mrs Clinton, could well have some legal problems headed his way, says Rare.us.

It’s all down to three protestors who claim assault or racial slurs during his March 1st rally in Louisville, KY. According to the lawsuit, every time Trump said “get them out” he was intending for his supporters to use “unwanted, harmful physical violence to remove protestors”.

Eyebrow raised. But just the one.

And on the subject of unwanted, harmful physical violence, as in getting groped and pepper-sprayed at a Trump rally if you just happen to be a 15-year-old girl, the police, say WTOP.com, have found the man accused of doing the pepper-spraying… but, the site says, the only person who looks like getting arrested is… that same 15-year-old girl who got groped and pepper-sprayed.

Head shaken in disbelief.

Likewise a certain amount of disbelief when reading the Washington Post’s coverage of Sarah Palin’s stump-for-Trump session on April first, especially her take on other candidates’ policy on immigrants, as in “Even inducing and seducing them with gift baskets: ‘Come on over the border and here’s a gift basket of teddy bears and soccer balls’”.

There was little in the way of applause, apparently, but there were “some eye rolls and phone checking.”

You couldn’t make any of these stories up.

Well, you could if they were just April Fool jokes.

But sadly, they’re all true.

So in short, on one side of the electoral coin we’ve got the final few competitors recently on the verge of comparing genitals as the criterion for being awarded ultimate power…

…while on the other side we’ve got a woman with more cojones than all of them put together.

She, though, might just be facing more than a few somewhat serious conversations with the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the near future — which could well scupper her election chances.

And from these we have to choose one person who’s going to be in charge of our lives for the next four or even eight years?

This entire electoral April Fool’s joke is definitely on us.