… and if nothing fears you anymore.

I hope you remember how it felt like to be thrown away.

It must be very relieving to know that nothing fears you anymore. From the moment we broke down, were torn into pieces, knowing that now we are not afraid of anything at all; love must feel like something exciting to grasp, something endearing to once again feel and live in.

Love sometimes turns us into the bravest one. We fell in love, so we let ourselves fall too deep with no idea how to reach the surface because we always thought that love would reach us anyway. We fell in love, so we took the risk. We fell in love, so we murdered millions to hold it.

We fell in love, so we got hurt.

We fell in love, so we lost it.

It would be easier if I lost the love. It would be easier if I just missed the chance to grasp it and let it go like it was a mere gust of wind. It would be easier if I was abandoned, being left all alone to rise and run again. I wish it was that easy, so I didn’t have to lose myself and the faith I used to put so much in. I wish love was easy, I wish it was easy to love, and so was to let go of.

I felt like I was born again after losing myself. That is the person I am living as now, the one who didn’t even remember her name and how enchanting love was before the storm.

Looking back at it, I still remember how torturing it was to live the life I didn’t even deserve in the first place. The life that changed my whole life and transformed me into somebody new I didn’t even know I could be. That was the life of a dead body with a half-living memory, a tormented heart, and hopes torn apart. That person used to be a jar full of love, a face full of smiles, and hands full of butterflies.

I remember how each day went, and how much I wished to die on my bed so that I didn’t have to see tomorrow coming. I was so young, and I hated how miserable I was that I told everyone I was hurt, that I was lost, that nothing was left in me anymore. I remember how easy it was to cry in every second of my breath, just as easy as everything suddenly invaded my head and turned into a theater to play all the memories I have buried deep inside my mind.

I swore to myself that I would never kneel for anyone, anymore, as I was scared to death of how terrifying it would be to go through the same phase for the second time.

… and now that nothing seems to fear me anymore, will it be fine to once again kneel and beg for a love I should better let go of?

When nothing fears me anymore, everything feels just right, and I know I will feel even worse. Everything seems fine and will be fine even if things don’t go as I expected, while in fact, I will not be fine at all. I will fall again, just like the last time, and I will get hurt again just like the last time. I will be in pain again just like the last time.

… and just like the last time, it will torment me, tear me into pieces like a nightmare. And just like the last time, I will suffer again, I will cry myself to sleep again, and I will lie on my bed all day wishing to die again.

… again, again and again, and the love I put my faith in will once again murder me just like the last time.

I hope love fears me, I hope it forever gives me nightmares that I will never dare to want it anymore. I hope love turns into a disease; I hope it kills me if I dare to come closer. I hope love is a forever closed door so that I will never be able to touch it anymore.

I hope love disappears, just as much as I hope these memories to forever exist as a fear.