another cold night, another episode of losing
we try so hard to keep the love only to lose it all
“I’m only one text away.”
“Don’t forget to call.”
“Let’s video call sometimes.”
“When are you free? Let’s make schedule to meet.”
“I’m gonna miss you…I won’t forget you.”
….and any other reactions from people the moment I waved my hands to say goodbye.
But some words remain words, and some feelings get dusted because of the undelivered “how have you been?” and “I miss you a lot” messages for I was too coward and afraid, I couldn’t help but think, what if it’s burdensome, what if you’re busy, and any other what ifs I consistently pray they wouldn’t turn into reality.
God listened, I made the effort, you made the call. We were still together. Some what ifs remained false, but now as the winter strengthens, the sun sets at five, the dark comes earlier, we realize it doesn’t work anymore. You begin to see me as a part of your past, and as much as I want myself to belong in your future, I can’t seem to give you fair excuses for my absence to be on your side.
We have so much on our plates that we don’t have a choice but sacrifice us. We both thought, “you would’ve understood, I need time to adapt”, yet we forgot that silence is a way, the brutal one I say, to kill someone we love. It’s not the end, it’s undone. The unspoken feelings and unrevealed truths are forced to buried. Alas, the ashes give us asthma we don’t yet find the cure.
It’s raining outside. I’m pouring a cup of hot ginger and thinking — a wishful thinking — it would give me the same warmth when you were here. Time does fly so fast and time does heal sometimes, but not this kind of grief. I took a sip of my drink and sighed.
“Here we go again. Another cold night, another rainy day, another episode of losing.”
