Before “The One”
“Better to end this dream before it becomes a nightmare.”- Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist
For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried with me a pervasive sense that I am always the girl who comes just before “the one.” This feeling has accompanied me through the past 23 years of my life, shaping my perceptions of love, relationships, and my own self-worth. It’s a sentiment that has echoed through my experiences, both recent and distant, reminding me of the elusive nature of true love.
In my early years, I often questioned whether I would ever find someone who shared my ambitions and dreams, someone who would support me through life’s challenges. Then, like a sudden hurricane, you entered my life, sweeping away the dark clouds that had shrouded my self-esteem. You transformed me into a blooming flower, revealing a beauty within myself that I never knew existed. It was a revelation, a moment of profound clarity. But as time went on, I couldn’t help but reflect on a similar experience from years ago when someone else had come into my life, filling my days with anticipation of a brighter tomorrow, only to vanish into thin air, leaving me bewildered and disheartened. These recurring patterns have contributed to my persistent belief that I am destined to be the girl who precedes “the one,” never quite finding that lasting love.
Valentine’s Day, a day meant to celebrate love, often evokes complex emotions within me. As I observe happy couples embracing the day with joy, my mind drifts to questions and concerns about the state of modern relationships. In a world where “hookup culture” has become a prevalent phenomenon, I can’t help but resent the societal shift. While casual encounters may seem fun, there’s an underlying emptiness that occasionally gnaws at my soul. The concept of being unattached to anyone may have its merits, but it also raises a multitude of perplexing questions about the nature of love and commitment, questions that challenge the foundations of my conventional understanding of dating.
As we grow older, our perspectives on dating naturally evolve. While physical attraction remains a compelling force, the pursuit of stability and genuine connections begins to take precedence, especially for those of us approaching relationships in our age group. This transition in dating priorities represents a shift from the carefree days of our youth to a more mature and deliberate approach to love.
One day, while scrolling through Twitter, I stumbled upon a quote that resonated deeply with my experiences:
“She felt forever about him, and he didn’t feel forever about her. So, she left because the hurt was too much… She knew exactly what she wanted. I guess they were just not on the same page back then.”
These words struck a chord within me, mirroring a painful chapter in my own life. I had invested my heart and soul into a relationship with someone I believed could be “the one,” only to realize that I was merely the backup plan if he didn’t end up with the person he truly desired. With a heavy heart, I made the difficult decision to leave, taking with me the bittersweet memories of our time together. It was a closure I needed to find the path to someone who could truly fulfill my desires and needs in this lifetime.
After mending my heart and in my quest for finding a new and mature relationship, I met someone who genuinely captivated my feelings and who ticked all the boxes on my criteria list. The initial euphoria of this connection filled me with a sense of excitement, akin to the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach. However, the specter of past memories continued to haunt me. Certain songs and places triggered thoughts of you, despite my earnest efforts to forget. I found myself grappling with whether to share these memories with my current partner, fearing that honesty might jeopardize the budding relationship. Despite his reassurances that the past is just that — the past — I couldn’t shake the nagging doubt that my revelations might alter his perception of me. This internal struggle weighed heavily on my conscience, but I was profoundly grateful that he embraced me for who I am. Few people I’ve grown close to have been so accepting of my past with you.
Nevertheless, the challenges of a long-distance relationship soon surfaced. I had believed I was mature enough for such a commitment, but doubts crept in as I longed to spend more time with him. The future of our relationship, once crystal clear, is now shrouded in uncertainty.
I confided in a friend about my predicament, seeking guidance. Her advice was to give him a chance, and I resolved to do just that. Yet, as I reflect on our situation, I find myself questioning the path ahead. I’ve grown skeptical of the possibility of us ever meeting again in person, and my faith in love has waned. It’s not that I doubt my capacity to love; rather, I question whether I am capable of being loved in return.
Navigating the intricate labyrinth of emotions, I found myself pondering whether the word “love” might be too intense, too profound, to encapsulate my sentiments. Perhaps “liking” him as a person was a more apt description, a sentiment that couldn’t be denied. Engaging in conversations with him, sharing the intricacies of my daily existence had become a source of enjoyment. Yet, amidst the burgeoning connection, a newfound awareness blossomed within me — an awareness that maturity entailed comprehending the delicate balance of priorities in our lives.
As I delved into this introspection, I grappled with the notion that safeguarding our bond and preventing the intrusion of turbulent days required an elevated sense of self-awareness. It became evident that placing myself at the forefront of my priorities was not an act of selfishness but a necessity. In this intricate dance of emotions, I resolved not to burden others with my expectations, thus erecting a protective shield against the potential for hurt and disappointment.
So, here I am, unsure of whether our paths will ever cross, uncertain of your existence beyond the realm of imagination. Perhaps you’re just a fantasy, a figment of my solitude. But in those solitary moments, I find solace in talking to you, a glimmer of hope, even if you don’t love me in return.
In conclusion, the journey of love is a complex and ever-evolving path. The belief that I am the girl before “the one” has been a constant companion, influencing my outlook on love and relationships. Valentine’s Days have come and gone, each one filled with mixed emotions. Yet, through it all, I have learned that healing and acceptance are vital steps in finding genuine love. The past may leave its mark, but it does not define our future. As I continue my journey, I hold onto the hope that one day I will meet someone who will cherish the person I have become, scars and all, and truly be “the one” for me.
