But In the End, I’ll be Happy
I’m wondering what kind of happy ending awaits me.
Letting your mind imagine and wander is fun, but not when the fear of uncertainty starts to creep in. It all slowly becomes a nightmare. Like what’s just happened today. I was haunting by so many question of uncertainty. What should I do after this, why can I be as productive as others, how to set things up in this stressful season, when will I start chasing my dreams again, where will this journey take me, and most importantly who I really am? I’m sorry if it sounds too funny, but believe me I’ve tried to simplify the whole mess in my head.
I believe that I’m not the only one who’s always filled with questions that somehow sound difficult to answer. I really try to take this for granted because these are all things that make me truly human somehow. So, it’s okay. We are just humans with never-ending thoughts who live in a world full of uncertainties.
Somehow this uncertainty does drive insecurity. And when you think about it, it all makes sense. Nothing is perfect in this life even if it’s well planned. So, it’s okay if the end result is not as expected. Sometimes we just have to prepare for all the possibilities. Every path we choose will lead to one final result. So will the other path. We just need to be more sensitive to realize all of this.
I agree with the idea that your life is about you. But I think we also need to remember that not everything is just about you. We live in this world with many other lives. There are times when we cross paths with each other. There are times when we walk together on the same path until it eventually leads to a different ending for each other. On my side, I believe that being kind to anyone I meet on this journey will bring me happiness, in whatever form it takes. So, I keep working on that.
You know, it isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially when you meet people who may not acknowledge your kindness. That’s what led me to a million questions that boil down to the core. Do I deserve all this or when will I be treated as well as I do? And when this started to choke me, I learned to recite my spell.
Just breathe, a spell that sometimes means everything to me. ’Cause whenever I feel suffocate, all I can do is just breathe.
Keep breathing. Take your time and count until ten. Here I’m now. I’m present. Not too far or too close. You are here and that’s enough. Let’s take a deep breathe again and release.
In situations like this, I also have to learn not to feel sorry for myself. When I’ve learned to look around to realize the mistakes I might have done. Immediately apologize before it’s too late and end up with regrets that will only hurt myself. I have to realize that some things happen beyond my control too and I’ve to learn to accept that. So, I can learn to stop feeling guilty or that I’m the problem when I’m really the one who’s getting hurt.
In the end, I have done my part according to my ability and my portion. If what I tried wasn’t enough afterward, there would be a way that would separate this journey. They and I will find our own version of a happy ending. And I believe after all this, a happy ending is also waiting for me. It’s uncertain when and how, but while I have to go through all this, I hope I can survive with all my shortcomings and share kindness to anyone I meet on this journey. My wish for everyone to live a blissful life will always accompany those steps.
Maybe for now happiness feels very vague. I may be happy, but maybe it’s not the happiness I’ve been looking for. I also realize that sometimes happiness that never comes is really tiresome. Letting go of my idealism to enjoy every morsel of happiness that comes in between my solitary time might be a temporary remedy. Maybe I can also say that my current happiness is not something I have to find from my quest, but a matter of interpreting every happiness that I encounter whenever it is. I hope I can continue to appreciate those happy moments, so that when in the end what I want becomes my destiny. I can feel sufficient, that I am happy.
