Calm Arises Amidst Chaos
Are peace and chaos two sides of the same coin?
Act I: The Question
One day, a senior at my university asked me,
“What are your dreams?
What do you want to do after you graduate?”
At that moment, we were sitting outside a café owned by a close friend. We had met a few times on campus since we were in the same faculty, but this was the first time we had an in-depth conversation.
As soon as the question struck like lightning, a light drizzle began to blanket the overcast evening on Monjali Street. I fell silent, pondering the various possible answers.
Moreover, my only intention then was to joke around and laugh, not to face an existential crisis.
I filled the silence with “Hmmm…” for about five minutes.
My eyes wandered here and there in search of an answer — sometimes looking at my conversation partner, sometimes at the sky, sometimes at my friend stirring noodles in the kitchen, and sometimes at the snake plant that seemed to have gone unwatered for days.
Suddenly, I remembered a song I listened to while riding my ’92 Astrea Grand to the café. The song had a lyric that went, “I just want peace.”
With no hesitation in my eyes, I looked my senior in the eye and said,
“I just want peace.”
Hearing my answer, my senior fell silent, contemplating the most appropriate reaction. There was a hint of surprise on her face, but I could clearly guess what was on her mind.
Act II: The Longing for Peace
I’m not sure how you readers might react, but I smiled a little when I recalled those words and my senior’s reaction. It was as if my life was in shambles.
Okay, call me the ultimate Gen Zen.
Undeniably, that answer came out because I felt that way and needed to handle everything on my own.
That question reminded me of the difficult times during the pandemic, when the economy was in turmoil, relationships were maintained through virtual media, education couldn’t be done face-to-face, and I was dealing with a relationship that drove me crazy.
As if the barrage of chaos never ended, I was battered from all directions and in various forms. This might be a collective experience, but I’m speaking for myself.
I wanted all the problems I faced and those affecting me to be resolved immediately. That’s why I aspired to find peace.
Act III: Four Years Later
Fast forward four years later, I remembered those words while sitting and staring at the grayish sky over Ir. Juanda Street.
I was in a different city with different busyness; the building where we chatted had changed functions, and I had no idea where that senior had gone.
As I internalized that memory, I realized that the peace I once desired still felt far away. If building a dream were like constructing a building, I had only laid the first stone, without any ceremonial or symbolic process.
The further I go, the more chaotic my life becomes, my mind grows noisier, and the problems I face become more complex.
Being introspective, I interpret this as a maturation process. Essentially, the more mature we become, the more things we have to think about.
Before, I worried about what topics would appear on the English Grammar exam or how Pecola Breedlove’s obsession with white skin and blonde hair depicted the supremacy of one skin color over another.
Now, I think more about how to make my income last a month and save some for my parents.
I ponder how to manage work responsibilities, build a personal portfolio, and pursue the career I want.
Additionally, I have to decide whether to eat spicy fried chicken or fried rice for dinner tonight.
There is no such thing as peace. There’s always noise disrupting my thoughts. Occasionally, I carve out some time to give space for peace, but thoughts inevitably intrude.
Like people rushing into a thrift store selling second-hand clothes from first-world countries.
Act IV: Two Sides of the Coin
My daydream ended when I looked at the street in front of the building where I stood. The street was quiet and calm, with only a few vehicles passing by, even though this street is usually packed with traffic from end to end.
Despite being a bustling commercial hub, for some reason, the traffic flowed smoothly without any congestion, at least that’s what I saw at that moment.
In this contemplation, I began to wonder, is it possible that peace and chaos are two sides of the same coin?
If I had never seen this street when it was busy, I wouldn’t be able to describe the street I saw now as calm. And vice versa.
I saw with my own eyes how cars and motorcycles didn’t snake from one traffic light to the next.
Recalling that conversation and how my life has changed since then, I realized that the chaos in my life is a series of small steps toward the peace I desire.
Although my mind is often filled with noise, there are moments when peace comes suddenly, like the quiet street in front of this building.
Act V: Reflection
From a different perspective, perhaps my compare-and-contrast thinking is incorrect. Peace could very well exist without chaos.
I could interpret the noise in my head and my busyness as forms of the peace I seek.
So, can peace exist without chaos, or is there truly no peace without chaos?
